Monthly Archives: June 2010

Freaky Tiki Surf-ari: The Sound of Tiki

It all started when Strange Jason sent me a link to “Gateways to Geekery” article about exotica music from the Onion AV Club. Not only was it a great, highly informative read (although the author is laughably wrong about the quality of modern exotica groups), but it made me realize the connections between exotica/Tiki culture and horror.

My realization of this was sparked by noticing how menacing the idols depicted on the cover for Les Baxter’s Ritual of the Savage looked. This got me to think of how masks play a big role in both fandoms and inspired me to do further research into the matter. I soon realized that exotica was not necessarily all tropical flowers and sunshine. There is a darker aspect focusing on the forbidden and taboo. There’s the shrunken heads of Arthur Lyman’s Taboo II, Robert Drasnin’s Voodoo series and songs (and album covers) involve frenzied pagan rites, weird cries in the night or strange stone gods on forbidden islands. Is the intended goal of bringing customers into an artificial environment filled with spooky sounds sought by the designers of haunted attractions really all that far off from the goals of those who make Tiki bars and put the animal calls in many an exotica song? And let’s not forget the popularity of “zombies” in both Tiki and horror cultures…

Some of you are bound to be asking yourselves questions like “What exactly is exotica,” “what is ‘tiki culture,'” and “how does the surf music fit in?”

It’s tempting to take the easy way out by linking to some very informative websites on the matter and then move on to the next review. Instead I’ll explain things by reviewing a CD/booklet combo by the renowned Tiki authority, Sven A. Kirsten.


The term “Tiki” refers to Polynesian carvings of roughly human shape (be they stone or wood, mask or figurine). As noted here, Reeds’ Concise Maori Dictionary even defines it as a “grotesque carved figure of a man.” Although I could use the “grotesque” definition to further the Tiki/horror connection, I won’t because I disagree with it. Tiki art is rather “off beat,” but is rarely what I’d consider “grotesque.” That said, I so see how the the idols depicted on the cover of “Ritual of the Savage” could meet that definition. Unsurprisingly, the source where I learned of that particular definition also chose to drop the grotesque part and used the definition “human-like images not only from Polynesia but from other Oceanic areas.”

The original symbols were often references to the legendary first man of the Māori (and other cultures’) creation myth, Tiki. However, some claim that Tikis act as identifying “flags” of sorts. Although these figures were brought overseas as souvenirs during the 19th century, they did not become truly popular until the 30’s-40’s. A variety of factors contributed to this. Donn Beach started the first “Don The Beachcomber” restaurant/bar in 1934, which gained fame (and other locations) due to its tropical drinks and Polynesian decor (including Tiki figures). Although some of the figures in the early establishments might have been authentic imports, most of the Tikis used were made in America. Its popularity spawned numerous other restaurants with similar food, drinks and decorations. The best known one is Trader Vic’s, which originally started under the name “Hinky Dinks.” Even before adopting the Tiki theme, the walls of Hinky Dinks were covered in unusual decorations in order to spark customer conversations due to owner Victor Bergeron’s belief that “lots of decoration causes lots of conversation, and lots of conversation sells lots of drinks.” A Caribbean vacation is credited as planting the initial seed of the tropical theme change, with visits to restaurants already using that theme sealing the deal. “Hinky Dinks” was renamed “Trader Vic’s” to fit in with the new style, the name inspired by the owner’s constant trading. “Don” and “Vic” both churned out innovations that have since become staples of Tiki bars worldwide such as Mai Tais, Tiki mugs, Zombies and the like.

The popularity of Tiki culture was furthered by those returning from the South Seas after being stationed there in World War II. They longed for the exotic sights and cuisine that had originally distracted them from the horrors of war. One returning naval lieutenant, James Michener, wrote the Pulitzer Prize winning book Tales of the South Pacific based on his experiences in 1948. This popular novel was adapted into the even more popular Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, South Pacific (which also won a Pulitzer). The Kon-Tiki expedition and Hawaii’s statehood also fueled people’s passion for all things tropical. Tiki bars sprung up all over the country and music was needed for them. Surf music was a good fit, but there was something even better suited. A genre that gained its named from a now-classic Martin Denny album: Exotica. Exotica music is designed to help the listener imagine they are in some faraway land, with animal cries and the use of “exotic” instruments such as güiros and chimes. As with all things that become a nationwide craze, Tiki culture eventually died down. It wasn’t until the 90’s that Tiki culture started to make a comeback. Aiding in the modern day revival were the excellent books on the subject by Tiki historian/expert Sven A. Kirsten.

All of the above (and more) can be found in the 49 page booklet attached to the digipak holding the Sound of Tiki CD. The CD was originally planned as a bonus CD to be included in Kirsten’s The Book of Tiki, but the idea had to be dropped in order to keep the price reasonable. And just like the book that spawned it, you’d better believe that the CD’s booklet is chock-full of color pictures (be warned that some of the images contain nudity). There’s also a handy map of the “islands” surrounding the inlet of exotica music: surf, hapa haole and lounge.

Rather than just act as a condensed version of his two prior books, the booklet is actually set up in a way that (after a few introductory pages on the subject of Tiki and exotica) the notes for each track of CD give information both about the song and how it ties in with Tiki culture. I was particularly surprised to learn that in the unofficial competition to use the most obscure instruments among the world of exotica musicians, one album boasted of using an instrument said to be made from human bones! As for the tracks themselves, the CD’s selection of rarities and classics is enough to satisfy the hardcore Tiki fan while still being accessible enough to act as an introductory sampler for beginners.

The first track, Arthur Lyman’s “Taboo Tu,” actually has a horror connection, despite the pleasant tone. Kirsten notes that while hapa haole songs tended to be about romance, exotica focused on the mysterious and taboo. He even comments about horror imagery and primitive cults!

Next comes a song from another master of exotica, Martin Denny. Not only is “Aku Aku” a delightful song, but its page in the booklet explains how the name ties in with many Tiki establishments and explains how Moai (aka Easter Island heads) got mixed into Tiki culture. Gloria Lynne’s performance of “Bali Ha’i” is not only included since it came from the play South Pacific, but also because it showcases the idea of a friendly and welcoming exotic isle of delights that is so popular in exotica music/Tiki culture. Oddly enough, the introduction to the song sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie!

Speaking of movies, it’s amazing to think how a soothing song like Les Baxter’s “Bird Of Paradise” could come from a man who’s scored several horror movies. Paul Page’s use of a steel guitar for “Castaway” will make many modern listeners think “SpongeBob SquarePants.” This is no mere coincidence, as the show is influenced by surf, Hawaiian and Tiki cultures. After all, Spongebob lives in a pineapple, Squidward dwells in a Tiki-style house and the music can speak for itself. The use of seagull cries also adds to the exotica effect of the song.

Martin Denny returns and teams up with Si Zentner to play “Tiki,” whose authoritative start and playful vibraphone notes reflect the status and mischievous nature of the legendary first man. Although the establishment described in Andy Williams’ “House Of Bamboo” is most likely not a Tiki bar, the lyrics do accurately describe the heavy use of bamboo in such bars. Besides, if this thin connection is good enough to include this great song on an exotica compilation, then it means I’m not too off-base for reviewing this for a horror site!

The Shadows’ “Kon-Tiki” is an exotica-tinged surf piece whose beat conjures up images of Thor Heyerdahl’s raft bobbing gently in the waves on its long journey. Marais and Miranda’s “I-Ha-She” is a musical tale of a native maiden rejecting the unwanted advances of her village’s ruler, which sounds like an excerpt from a long-lost Rankin Bass “Animagic” special set in the south seas. I especially liked the clever way they worked the chorus of men calling I-Ha-She’s name into the context of the story.

Next comes Buddy Morrow’s “Hawaiian Eye,” the theme song to the TV show of the same name. The accompanying notes detail the influence of Tiki culture on the show (as evidenced by the heavy use of animal calls in the opening) and vice versa. The Mary Kaye Trio’s “Hilo Boy” is a very corny song about a boy leaving his village in order to search the world for a bride (GUESS WHERE HE FINDS HER), but it does give Mr. Kirsten the opportunity to show their contribution to the birth of lounge music. Despite the band name, The Surfers’ “Ulili E” is not a surf song. Instead, it’s a traditional Hawaiian folk song (although not played in a way that one would associate with stereotypical folk songs).

Paul Page brings us more steel guitar goodness with “Pieces Of Eight,” a song from an album he sold at select Polynesian-themed restaurants. You see, he name each song on the album after a restaurant he had an agreement with and sold the record under a different title at each location. Naturally, the album was called “Pieces Of Eight” when it was sold at the establishment under that name. Despite the name, Eden Ahbez’s “Full Moon” has no horror ties. Instead it’s a hippie/hermit-style exotica, complete with croaking frogs. The Surfman’s performance of “Bamboo” is marred by the hilariously awful fake bird calls that sound like someone puking (which is one of the main reasons it was included on the CD). Next comes a Don Ho twofer, wherein he adds lyrics to the theme from Hawaii 5-0 and “Quiet Village.” The final track is a series of “Luau Is Calling You” radio jingles for a Polynesian restaurant.

It may seem odd to review a CD with little to no horror-related content on this website, but it makes perfect sense to me. After all, we can’t have shadows without light. For example, Tiki masks come in a wide variety of designs. While a regular mask may or may not be interpreted as being scary, tiki masks like this leave no doubt as to the scare factor (but can also obscure what your average Tiki is really like). Also, many of the songs on the CD are also referenced in other albums that will be covered in future Freaky Tiki Surf-ari updates! Stay tuned!

Special thanks to Bear Family Records for the review copy!

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Tuesday uEtsy: Craftie Robot

[Etsy.com’s tagline is “Buy, Sell, and Live Handmade.” Coincidentally, there’s a lot of spooky on Etsy, and each Tuesday, we highlight one of the sellers. If you’re looking to spruce up your look, redecorate your tomb or get a gift for that special something in your afterlife, Etsy.com is a place for spooky econo.]

Probably wondering ‘hey, GdL16. Why is today’s Tuesday uEtsy going up so late? I have all this money and I need to spend it supporting home-made goods and independent artists.” That’s a very good statement-question-statement, anonymous reader we just made up. See, today was a very busy day. June is coming to an end and we’re glad for that, since it’s been muggy, disastrous and all around tough to handle. Busy work, busy bodies, busy work burying busy bodies. In other words, we’ve been carrying a heavy workload and it finally caught up with us.

Fortunately, this week’s Tuesday uEtsy is great for us and for those of you who need to carry your own work, burden, crosses or tunes. Craftie Robot specializes in spooky, nifty and downright fashionable messenger bags.

Informational and functional, this Zombie Protection mask displays an often overlooked step in dealing with the un- or freshly dead. Plus, it’s stylish in that ‘gangreen rot’ color that can always be used to an advantage when fitting in.

Perhaps you’re not so much for protecting against as you are shooting at Zombies. This bag here displays which side of the dead v. alive side you choose. It’s a simple and slightly elegant design about the oncoming apocalypse.

It’s not all Zombies at Craftie Robot. Here, the classic symbol of death and pirates can be a way for you to tell people you are carrying poison, doubloons, radiation or that it’s not a good idea to mess with you on the bus today. Plus, it, like all Craftie Robot bags, fits most laptops and allows you to carry enough oranges to stave off scurvy.

There have been many of times where we needed a cheat sheet when it came to first learning which muscles did what, where the whatis was and what exactly we shouldn’t poke with the end of our shovels in case we needed to get a mop. Similarly, you can have your own method of quickly finding nerve points and the right muscles to sever with a prison shank with this lovely anatomic display on your own bag. Probably should avoid the prison and any other situation that involves the word “shank” or “shiv.”

Like most on Etsy, Craftie Robot expands to more than just one product. One of their other offerings is this lovely display of the human heart on a wonderful desk lamp, forged from a glass box. Add some atmosphere and some anatomy to your workspace, sleep space or love space. Hearts. Love. Light. Glass. It all goes together.

The final bit is a great item. It’s a belt whose buckle showcases a molecule of caffeine. Thank goodness for the stuff. Look, if you need to pick yourself up or pick your pants up, this is the belt for you. Walk into any store, point to your belt, say “THIS. NOW.” If anyone doesn’t know it, they don’t deserve your business. And anyone who gives you a cup of coffee deserves every dime you have on your body.

And so does Craftie Robot, so head on over today. Buy something, carry your weight, light up your light and keep your pants off the ground. And keep coming back here every Tuesday for another Tuesday uEtsy. 

Defrosting The Minnesota Iceman

For the uninitiated, the Minnesota Iceman was sideshow exhibit featuring a hairy, manlike creature encased in a block of ice owned by a mister Frank Hansen. Hansen originally claimed to have bought the iceman in Hong Kong, which had been brought there by sailors who fished it out of cold Russian waters. Other tellings gave the location as Japan and Mr. Hansen later claimed to have shot it himself while deer hunting, adding that he could obtain another such specimen for the price of a stun gun. The final origin story was the most outlandish: the iceman was owned by a millionaire creationist who wanted to see how the public would react to it without alerting any scientists who might use it as further evidence of evolution. Naturally, he sought out Hansen, loaned him the iceman, and had him take it on tour.

In 1968 (two years after the iceman debuted), one Terry Cullen contacted a scientist with an interest in Bigfoot and other rumored beasts, Dr. Ivan Sanderson. Cullen has actually seen the exhibit in 1967 and was intrigued enough by it to contact numerous scientists in the hopes that they’d examine it. Sanderson contacted a like-minded scientist, Dr. Bernard Heuvelmans (the “father of cryptozoology“) and they contacted Hansen to have a look at it. They were not allowed to thaw it out and could only look at it through the thick ice encasing it in a dark trailer. Both men left thinking that the iceman was the real deal. Not only that, but they felt that its popped-out, bloody eye and the shattered arm raised near the head indicated that the iceman had been gunned down recently and was not merely the frozen prehistoric being that was advertised! Could it really be the remains of some unknown hominid or could it have been real human corpse that had been altered for dramatic effect? After all, at least one real human corpse had traveled the sideshow circuit before, so the idea isn’t technically unrealistic.

Convinced that what they had seen was real, Sanderson and Heuvelmans got to work on articles about the iceman. They also contacted Dr. John Napier in the hopes that he could get the Smithsonian Institute would look into the matter. Due to the “recently shot” theory, the FBI was even contacted about the matter (although they never looked into it)! Frank Hansen was less than pleased by this when word got back to him (presumably from seeing Sanderson talk about the iceman on The Tonight Show). The iceman was temporarily removed from view while Hansen debuted his “creationist millionaire owner” story in an announcement to the public in 1969 and explained the owner had taken it back and he was now only able to show a replica. Sanderson and Heuvelmans soon reported that the alleged replica was not what they had originally examined.

To make matters worse, the Smithsonian had found a special effects company that claimed to have made the iceman in 1967! Perhaps this is why Sanderson included an overly complex method of making an iceman-like figure in his article about the Minnesota Iceman, which contradicted the paper’s earlier claims that it would be impossible to make a fake corpse, hinting at a last-minute insertion. In any case, both of the men who examined it continued to insist that no model could have fooled them and they had seen a real creature (although this contradicts Hansen’s later story that he shot the iceman while hunting, stored it in a home freezer, and only displayed the model based on it).

Why would Hansen claim to exhibiting a model of a real creature after the people behind the Iceman model were found? Simple, it because would’ve killed his business in the long run for him to display something that was commonly known as a fake. But if it was advertised as a “recreation” of something, then there would still be some interest.

Now, despite the owner’s constantly changing origin stories for the creature (a classic sign of a liar) and the fact that it was displayed in carnivals, a surprising amount of people cling to the idea of the iceman being a real Bigfoot! Why? When asked, said people often say that the iceman was found to be real by two trained biologists and that the creature bore a striking resemblance to the description of a Vietnamese “wildman.” However, that actually doesn’t mean a whole lot…


These two links do an excellent job of pointing out the various flaws in the “Minnesota Iceman was real” argument. Especially when you factor in that one of the people who declared it to be real, Dr. Ivan Sanderson, had a rather poor understanding of special effects (among other issues), as shown at the bottom of this page. Also, Sanderson suffered from poor vision, including near-blindness in one eye. It was such a problem that he had to draw animals by holding dead specimens in his hands and drawing based on what he felt!

After reading this post that made a passing reference to Hollywood special effects artists creating a fake Neanderthal corpse for a sideshow, I decided to investigate if the concept of sideshow exhibits about frozen cavemen remains predated the Iceman exhibit. First, I found the source of the information given in the above post. Here’s a choice quote:

“John Chambers was interested in the direction I was going with the Studios, and became involved in a couple of our projects, specifically creating or advising “prehistoric men” for showmen Jerry Malone (John created this “dead” Neanderthal) and Frank Hansen (we referred Frank to La Brea Tar Pit/Natural History Museum sculptor Howard Ball who cast this figure in hot melt; John joined us in consultation of the project). It has been unfounded speculation for years that Johnny also made a “bigfoot” costume for a fellow named Patterson. Don’t you believe it. John’s level of quality was way above that sort of thing; he was a perfectionist and very proud of his craft, and couldn’t make anything like that if he had tried!”

I can confirm that John Chambers worked on creating at least one sideshow attraction. Here you can see pictures of him working on the “Burbank Bigfoot.” Intrigued, I tried to find more information on Jerry Malone. This led to me an interview with someone who claims to have bought a “Big Foot Creature Exhibit” from Jerry Malone. He notes that his exhibit used glass treated with a chemical to give the appearance of ice (Judging from the picture, it wasn’t anything like Christmas “spray on snow” or the old “epsom salt and warm water” trick), that he and a friend built another fake creature like it, and that John Chambers had created it. In my opinion, the Burbank Bigfoot looks a lot better than the creature that West bought. I don’t know if his means that Mr. West was mistaken, lying, or if it means that Jerry Malone had originally bought an “economy model.” According to someone who claims to have seen the exhibit, the display shown on that website is not the one made by Chambers.

The idea of prehistoric creatures being preserved in ice was nothing new in the 60’s. In fact, the idea was used in a 1942 Superman cartoon called The Arctic Giant and in sci-fi/horror movies like 1944’s Return of the Ape Man and 1953’s The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms. The idea seems to have been spawned by the discovery of preserved mammoth carcasses in Siberia during the 1900’s. However, those remains were not encased in blocks of ice; that seems to have sprung from a misunderstanding of how the preserved remains were found. Perhaps this is why the iceman was originally billed as the “Siberskoye Creature?” According to this, “Siberskoye is an artificial word, roughly translated “Siberskoye man” meaning man from Siberia.” I suspect the frozen alien depicted in 1951’s The Thing from Another World is what inspired Hansen to create his exhibit, seeing as how the sidebar titled “Chambers and the ‘Burbank Bigfoot'” on this page makes a reference to Frank Hansen approaching some people at Universal Studios to build him a fake crashed flying saucer (complete with dead aliens)!

The Sideshow World interview also notes that Rick West had met Frank Hansen at the exhibit’s first appearance, that it was the best of the frozen Bigfoot exhibits (which is no surprise, seeing as how he used actual ice for his display), and that he had an opportunity to buy the exhibit from him before Hansen’s death. True believers of the iceman would probably say that he was going to get sold the supposed “fake iceman.” However, it’s always important to take what carnival showmen say with a grain of salt (although this would explain Hansen’s claim that the “real owner” was possibly going to let the iceman get shown again in the future.

The interview’s mention of Jerry Malone having a frozen whale exhibit inspired me to look up more on the subject. This makes it sound like several such exhibits were shown at carnivals and the like back in the day. This says he got the original idea for the whale exhibit in 1963 (four years before the Iceman first turned up).

Thanks to this site, I found a link to a 1995 news article on Mr. Malone’s frozen whale. Said article notes that:

“In spite of placards identifying the location of Irvy’s blowhole, mouth, glass eye and other points of anatomical interest, the creature is not even immediately recognizable as a whale. His skin severely peeling (freezer burn set in less than six months after Malone entombed him in the refrigerated case), the aquatic mammal looks less like a whale than it does a gigantic semideflated tire that’s lost its tread.”

Skin peeling from freezer burn after six months? No matter what version of the “Hansen had a real frozen creature” story you pick, there’s no way he could have kept it as long as he said he did without it freezerburning into an unrecognizable mess like Irvy the whale did.

As if that wasn’t enough to convince you that the whole thing was a hoax, former Don Post Studios co-owner Verne Langdon appeared at the Bigfoot Forums (and in a Bigfoot podcast) in 2008 to both repeat and go into further detail on what he had revealed before in the past (including an interview in an 80’s issue of Cult Movies): that the Minnesota Iceman was a hoax that he was involved in the creation of. The creation timeline alone rules out any claim that there was a “real” iceman at any point.

What of the claim that the original iceman was replaced with a replica? A person going by the handle “wolftrax” at the Bigfoot Forums did a series of .gifs comparing the two supposedly different Icemen. I personally feel that this .gif animation best shows how the original Iceman and the “replacement” are actually one and the same.

As for the Vietnamese wildman issue, let’s look at the concept art for the Frankenstein monster that Willis O’ Brien did for his never-made King Kong vs. Frankenstein” project (elements of the project turned up in 1962’s King Kong vs. Godzilla and 1965’s Frankenstein Conquers the World). Just add some hair and scale down the height a bit and you have a dead-ringer for many Bigfoot descriptions. In short, coincidences can (and will) happen.

More Cool Cover Art

While browsing through the recent “Gravedigger’s Local 16 Flashback” entry, I couldn’t help but find myself drawn to the “Cool cover art” entry. Although the website noted in it (Critical Condition Online) is the undisputed king of online VHS cover art collections, I was inspired to see if there were any other sites devoted to cover art scans out there. I was not disappointed:

Itsonlyamovie.co.uk has a nice selection of British VHS covers from before the infamous “Video Nasties” crackdown.

Retro Slashers has a wonderful collection of the sort of slasher film box art that used to thrill us back in the day.

Both the Uranium Cafe and Friday the 13th: The Website have some cool pages devoted to VHS covers.

The Lightning Bug’s Lair has a cover gallery devoted solely to Christmas-themed horror movies.

Toho Kingdom has numerous pages devoted to both VHS and DVD covers.

Last but not least, the Horror Section offers a huge collection of covers from the best section of the video store, along with reviews and other goodies.

Gravedigger’s Local 16 Flashback

After getting some good responses to linking to old GdL16 entries on Twitter, we here at Gravedigger’s Local 16 have decided to start a new feature spotlighting our older material. Each “Flashback” entry will showcase a variety of vintage gravedigger goodness for you to enjoy.

Why? Because we’ve put a lot of time and effort into our work and we’d hate to think any of our older material will go unread. This is especially a problem for the material written after the site went on an unplanned hiatus and a lot of our early readers vanished. So, without further ado:

Art Appreciation:

Cool Cover Art
Bob Eggleton Rules
Pumpkin Awesomeness
BEST PICTURE EVER
Graphic Displays of Halloween

Musings:

Pumpk’n
Finally, it’s Fall
Happy Halloween
AVOID AT ALL COSTS
Deep(ly Odd) Thoughts
Critters: Special Edition?
The Ghoulies are good enough
Throw back the coffin lid – and RISE!
If you want a job with guaranteed stability, learn to dig graves.

General Goodness:

Relics and Reptiles
The Gremlins Return
The “Ultimate Haunt”

Half a Pint of Snakebite
It Came From Wikipedia
Duane L. Jones (1936-1988)
The (Vincent) Price is Right
Vintage Halloween Insanity
The Gremlins Return…Again!
Grandpa and the Midnight Mutants
Oh May!George Takei and Asian Pacific American Heritage Month

Tuesday uEtsy: Jackie Hates You

[Etsy.com’s tagline is “Buy, Sell, and Live Handmade.” Coincidentally, there’s a lot of spooky on Etsy, and each Tuesday, we highlight one of the sellers. If you’re looking to spruce up your look, redecorate your tomb or get a gift for that special something in your afterlife, Etsy.com is a place for spooky econo.]

Jackie Hates You (jackiehatesyou.etsy.com)

Folks, it’s alright to hate – if you hate the right things. We’re not fond of moral relativism here at the Local since it opt to leads people to question reputable sources under the ‘Who’s to say?’ Who’s to say how deep a body should be buried? Who’s to say when to engage in proper excavation rites? Who’s to say if it’s right or wrong to use the recently dead as extras in your community theatre’s production of ‘South Pacific?’

Moral mucking is something meant for filmmakers and philosophers. Here, it’s okay to hate. It’s good to hate fear, hate weakness and hate annoying people talking loudly on cellphones while you wait to order a burger during your lunch break.

That’s where this week’s Tuesday uEtsy, Jackie Hates, You comes in. There’s plenty of inappropriately ways to display your hate and very few socially acceptable ways. As you can see from the woman’s t-shirt below, you can proudly display your hate in a way that makes it attractive and sensible.

Granted, and we say this with little involvement, there’s the term ‘hater’ out there. And, as such a phrase has come of it – “hater’s gonna hate.” And if you hate, or hate haters, you’re pretty much establishing that it’s okay to hate since there’s little to be done about it. So be it the object or the source of the hate, hate goes and hate does.

Of course, there’s plenty more than the HATE brand offered by Jackie Hates You. Notice the fine jewelry offered – as this large black skull poison ring. How better to display this hate than by slipping some liquid arsenic into the diet Pepsi of the office coworker who keeps forwarding you those email-chain letters warning you against the death of Christmas or how your elected official is secretly a lizard person? (Note: DON’T DO THIS ANY OF THIS: POISONING PEOPLE OR FORWARDING THOSE EMAILS! damn. really, people.)

Perhaps you hate all those dudes who think that some splattering of grease paint and some old clothes makes an “hip, edgy ‘Dark Knight’ Heath Ledger Joker costume.” Or perhaps you really love bats. Hate or love, this is a really neat bat necklace offered by Jackie Hates You.

Perhaps it’s Valentine’s day or you’ve been dumped or perhaps you just hate all things good and lovely? Jackie’s got you hooked up with this black anatomically correct heart. Deflate those helium-filled nitwits who keep talking about Cupid and chocolates and blah blah blah with this fantastic necklace. Or, use it as a method to cheat on a biology test and show your hate for both Mrs. Brown and THE MAN for holding you back.

If by now, you don’t see how hate can be fun and somewhat profitable, we can’t help you. I think it’s been spelled out in big bold black letters so you might as well just send all your money to Jackie and hope that you somehow absorb a clue by the time it arrives. One of the finer things you can buy is this fashionable Skull and Crossbones pendant, which will at least make it look like you’re one creature who knows where to direct some darkness and fury, even if you listen to nothing but Swedish Children’s Techno while painting pink smiley faces on unused popsicle sticks.

Be sure to visit Jackie Hates You on Etsy and check out all the classy and demonstrative products that you can use in every functionable aspect of your life. And be sure to check back here next week for another Tuesday uEtsy.

Free RPG Day Is Here!

The Local has covered Record Store Day, Free Comic Book Day, and is now spotlighting Free RPG Day.

Free RPG Day was started in 2007 with the intention of promoting role-playing games to those with little-to-no experience in such matters. To do so, participating stores give out free adventures and “Quick Start Rules” to customers. Besides the fantasy monsters that appear in games like Dungeons & Dragons, horror fans might be interested in the following RPGs (which had free giveaways in prior Free RPG Days):

Call of Cthulhu
Geist: The Sin-Eaters
Hollow Earth Expedition

And to celebrate in our own special way, here are the first two installments of our “Free D&D” series:

Free D&D
Free D&D: Second Edition

For more information on Free RPG Day, the participating stores, and what freebies will be available, please visit the official website and Wikipedia entry.

Happy Free RPG Day!

Strange Trip: Friday the 13th – Part 3 (IN 3D!!)




Friday the 13th: Part III


Original Release: August 13, 1982

Pre-game Strangeness: Stick in 1.25 and get back 21.72. Multiply that equation by a million and we have the reason for PART III’s existence. can’t blame them, really. It was a movie that didn’t central around a specific actor, so no star could hold out for more money. The set is disposable and so are the teens. The only memorable face for the first two movies is Betsy Palmer. 

Part II was a bit harder to handle because I think that Steve Miner, taking over for Chris Cunningham, tried too hard to follow in Cunningham’s footsteps. Part I, now that I’ve had a while to get some distance from it, was nicely shot (albiet, slow for my sugar-soda-rattled brain.) Part II was excissive, with so much cast, drama and attempts to be everything at once. Bad jokes. Good gore. Nudity. You would think I’d be all for piling it on but restraint came be a virtue.


Not like that’s going to really come into play here. Part III means “3 as in 3D.” Remember to practice excessiveness in equal parts – for every bit that this movie gets dumb, take a drink. It’s like a game, where nobody wins.  

With that said, let’s get this trip started.

00:00:00 – Start

00:00:02 – The majestic Paramount, not to be confused with the majestic Parakeet.

00:00:06 – A Gulf-Western Company. Two places currently full of oil.

00:00:15 – ‘Paramount Pictures Present’ Positive Punks Pricing Pickled Pears.

00:00:20 – A Jason Inc./Frank Mancuso Jr. Production. Jason Inc.? Nice to know he went bus

00:00:26 – Part 3 – The Return of Steve Miner!

00:00:32 – Woah, woah -HEY! Wait. Pause.


Okay, I’ve done this before with Part 2. ‘Show the last five to ten minutes of the previous movie for those who have no idea what’s going on.’ Yeah, we have to keep in mind that there was no Internet, SMSing or newspapers so it was impossible to figure out what happened in a movie that came out just a year before. So this padding of the first five minutes is not so much necessary but ESSENTIAL to maintaining the plot and premise that this rich, layered movie.

So I’ve loaded up Part 2 at the same point in the movie as we’ve started here in Part 3 to see if it’s a direct transfer. Plus, it saves me you from the same jokes I made in the last Strange Trip.

Alright. Let’s roll.

Part 3 seems to be remastered to show off the lighting, like they inserted an orange moon


Double Mamma V!


Kind of gives the old Drive In feel with the audio.


Maybe if she didn’t go at it like Star-Wars Kid, she’d get the job done.


Stereo Pauls. Ugh.


I should do this more often. This makes it more enjoyable, sort of a sensory overload.


Double Slow-mo!


I still think Jason dies like a fool. You can hear the ‘Duh-OIII’ sound effect that his comically rolled eye and stiff slumping-over invokes.

00:05:16 – Alllllll right. Enough of that. About this time, the movies differ. We can finally bid Part 2 adieu and get on with Part 3.

00:05:30 – Jason discards the machete, crawling away powered strictly only by rage and the desire to get the new Devo album.

00:05:44 – Speaking of which, we get a synth poppy intro song with the credits COMING OUT OF THE SCREEN because what research I did prior told me that this movie was in 3D! Thank god we got over that hackey gimmick.

00:06:00 – We got credits and people POPPING out of the screen and I can’t be bothered. Jeffrey Rogers? Tracie Savage? I’ll get to you at the end of the film.

00:06:10 – It’s like every twenty-five years, we have to put on 3D glasses and try this nonsense again.

00:06:18 – Richard Brooker plays our boy this time around.

00:06:28 – Harry Manfredini! You’re still here? Damn, son. I’m glad you keep surviving.

00:06:33 – Martin Jay Sadoff, the 3D supervisor. He’s the guy who says ‘KEEP AIMING SHIT AT THE CAMERA.’

00:06:44 – I could just get some red and blue colored bottles and place them above my eye but I don’t think it would do the trick. I might do it anyway during the dull moments, but this movie already seems hip deep into the 80’s. Hyperactive cocaine use to follow, right?

00:07:01 – Martin Kitrosser and Carol Watson are behind all that I’m about to watch. Should I die during this viewing, they are to blame. Avenge my death!

00:07:20 – A storm, a convenience store. This is what Clerks originally started out as, a horror movie in New Jersey.

00:07:40 – Man, Harold knocks over a stick and Edna lays into him.

00:08:05IT’S IN 3D! Harold shoves his pole towards the camera. The audience gasps!

00:08:17 – “Jerk,” she says, ignoring the fact that thirty seconds in and she’s done nothing but bitched out a guy who looks like a retired Mario brother.

00:08:25 – Newscaster eight corpses. Mark, Vicki, Scott, Terry, Jeff, Sandra, Ralph (booo!) and either Paul or the Cop, depending on which continuity theory you subscribe to.

00:08:47 – IT’S IN 3D! Edna moves the rabbit ears towards the audience.

00:08:59 – “axe wielding killer.” Last time I recalled, Jason used everything BUT an axe, so far.

00:09:10 – Um, some tall, strange looking guy is stalking your clothesline and she seems pretty okay with that.

00:09:20 – Nice to see Jason ditch the overalls and flannel for a Dickies shirt and a pair of work slacks.

00:09:55 – Despite her being rotten, I have to give her props for hanging her clothes. Think Green.

00:09:28 – ‘Look Out For The Locomotive’ says a sign in the background. Good advice, I suppose.

00:10:00 – Harold feeds Lionel and Richie, his fish. Before eating the food himself.

00:11:04 – Harold is friend to all animals.

00:11:20 – But he is no friend for sanitation laws. Sneaking peanuts, I can understand but the swig from the Sunny D before replacing it? Disgusting, Harold. Disgusting.

00:11:57 – Scolded, Harold seeks comfort in his bunny.

00:12:23 – “Whatcha so nervous about?” asks Harold. Like rabbits are known for being totally laid back and chill.

00:12:34 – Harold comes across a Hutch of what I originally though were dead chickens but thanks to Fridaythe13thfilms.com, who has the script for this movie, I learned these were dead rabbits.

00:12:33 – IT’S IN 3D! SNAKE ATTACK (or LOVE ME LIKE A REPTILE!)

00:12:34 – I like how the snake hovers in front of Harold’s face a half a second before he turns around and flees.

00:12:50 – Unconcerned as to why her husband is running in a panic, Edna searches for her lost knitting needle.

00:13:03 – Gross, movie.

00:13:10 – Ah, don’t be sad, Harold, I don’t like the slithering buggers either. Though, I don’t understand why or how a snake would vivisect a few Rabbits like that (and we’ve established that Jason is friend to all animals that don’t fuck with him.)

00:13:31 – Harold stands up and misses out on his chance to die like Elvis – fat and sitting on his throne.

00:14:41 – Got to say, the cleaver to the chest looked good. And it raises a question as to why Jason just did it. Along with Ralph, I can’t really see why Harold had to die. Sure, he’s filthy but c’mon. This is Jersey.

00:14:50 – Here, Edna looks far too young to 1) be called Edna 2) be married to Harold, unless our boy Harry likes ’em young. Or maybe Edna goes for older men. It’s nice to see love bloom…in New Jersey.

00:15:39 – IT’S IN 3D! Rat goes a walkin’.

00:15:44 – And Jason finds Edna’s lost knitting needle, kindly returning it to her by jabbing it into the base of her skull.

00:15:47 – Hey, Movie. What did Mike Nesmeth’s mom invent? WHITE OUT!

00:15:50 – IT’S IN 3D! Some kid holds a baseball bat towards the camera in such an awkward way, I think he doesn’t know what the damn thing is.

00:15:55 – A van full of Corpses Teenager!

00:16:05 – “It’s the white house on the left.” Not the last house, for that’s a whole different movie.

00:16:15 – Twenty seconds since appearing on screen and we already meet this movie’s horndog couple.

00:16:20 – “What would a weekend be in the country without sex?” he asks. If you grew up where I did, it was EVERY weekend, bud.

00:16:30 – Heavy Handed Horror Handbook: If you see it coming, it’s not a threat. All horror must come out of nowhere to get the most appropriate startle factor! Take note – if you see a guy with a mask slowly approaching, holding a knife menacingly, it’s likely to be the best friend playing a practical joke. Bonus: have a similar scene later in the movie where the friend accuses the would-be-prankster of pulling “another one of [his] stupid tricks,” saying “it’s not funny anymore!”

00:16:40 – “I’m not an asshole, I’m an actor.” Oooooh, I don’t think you’re even that, son.

00:17:00 – Oh, Shelly. Real character and beauty comes from your inside, which I’m sure you’re going to get to know up close and personal in about half an hour.

00:17:05 – Shelly grew up to be an Entertainment Lawyer. That’s not a joke. It’s true.

00:17:12DOES ANYONE HERE REMEMBER VERA LYNN!

00:17:31 – “Which one’s my date?” Her hopes are RAISED…

00:17:34 – …and VIOLENTLY CRUSHED TO DEATH.

00:17:44 – “The van’s on fire!” Oh god, it’s going to be a stoner joke, isn’t it?

00:17:50 – I WAS RIGHT goddamnit.

00:18:08 – When Shelly condemns his stoner friends, asking “is that all you’re going to do this weekend, smoke dope?” I think it’s a condemnation of the 80’s youth to their hippie parents. With the rise of suburban youth, of preppies and yuppies, the eighties were a time to denounce the Peace-Love-Dope lives of the Hippies that would grow up to be middle class.

00:18:24 – She’s pregnant?

00:18:30 – Andy asks “share with the less fortunate up front” and everyone gets stoned, blowing my ‘Anti-hippie’ theory straight to hell.

00:18:34 – IT’S IN 3D! Have a toke, audience.

00:18:36 – “Yeaaah.” Andy looks creepy as he receives the spliff, like it’s Golem to the Precious. Considering how much weed was smoked during those movies when I watched them, it’s not that far off of a comparison.

00:18:37 – I didn’t smoke weed when I saw those movies. I didn’t need to. They put me to sleep well enough by themselves.

00:18:38 – No, they didn’t (yes, they did.)

00:18:40 – “My whole world.” These days, it would be a laptop full of fansubbed anime, every MC Chris album and an active World of Warcraft account.

00:18:51 – Cops show up and what follows is why the words ‘be cool’ were invented for stoners. Everyone starts swallowing the drugs at the sudden appearance of two cop cars.

00:19:26 – What did you think of that joke, Movie? I thought so.

00:19:42 – Erik Estrada and Eddie Murphy are called to the scene to escort the bodies of Edna and Harold into the ambulance while Michael PS Hayes, John Ritter and the boring Charlie’s Angel all wonder why they can’t get any Tab on a Saturday. If it’s not clear, it’s the 80’s.

00:19:56 – HEY! KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE DAMN ROAD!

00:20:10 – “Don’t let your imagination run away with you.” Yeah, you can go but your imagination stays here.

00:20:16 – Despite being the wrong color and clearly dead for more than eight hours, we’re supposed to think that’s the Rabbit Harold cuddled earlier and accuse Jason of killing it. Except JASON. IS. A. FRIEND. TO. ALL. ANIMALS. (that don’t fuck with him.)

00:20:26 – That’s either Ray Stevens or Bram Morrison. Bustin’ out the obscure references like I was Seth MacFarlane.

00:20:37 – More like a young Charlie Daniels but not as drunk and crazy.

00:20:42 – “I must be in heaven!” he says, which is the dead last thing anyone has ever said with sincerity about waking up on the road in New Jersey.

00:21:01 – Someone said ‘shit, we killed off Ralph in the last movie but we need a crazy guy!’ and so, here we are.

00:21:17 – IT’S IN 3D! Look the crazy man in the eye, audience!

00:21:28 – What is a Higgins and why does it need a haven?

00:21:40 – Heavy Handed Horror Handbook – When showing a bridge, make sure to emphasize how it’s in poor condition so when it’s conveniently out during the third act’s chase, people will go “ooooooh, yeah” instead of “what the hell?”

00:21:55 – Okay, you can’t do that “ki-ki-ki, ma-ma-ma” sound effect for any bozo in a flannel shirt, Movie. You have to play by the rules like the rest of us.

00:22:14 – Yaaaay, we’re outside of the van! Let’s goof around instead of acting normal! Outside! of the van!

00:22:40 – “Is someone here?” Only me and Almighty, hon. And he’s busy making nachos.

00:22:45 – Want to show your love? Surprise someone by grabbing them by the neck and throwing them up against a wall.

00:22:50 – “My imagination or did it just get cold in here.” You grabbed her by the neck, you dumb fuck.

00:22:58 – “Did I do something wrong?” BY. THE. FUCKING. NECK.

00:23:03 – “Did I?” “No.” WHAT? Fine. Die, you dumb girl.

00:23:16 – This is ACTING. Like this is Uncle Vanya, some king high drama staging.

00:23:19 – “Don’t you even say hello anymore?” Maybe she would if you didn’t grab her -oh, who the hell cares. My nachos are ready.

00:23:28 – Rick’s a dick. Juvenile but until he ends with a Pickaxe through the sternum, I won’t be happy.

00:23:36 – “There’s only so many cold showers I can take.” GODDAMNIT DIE ALREADY.

00:24:00 – “Wasn’t this door closed a few minutes ago?” Chris is the only person with the secret knowledge on how to operate a door-handle.

00:24:17 – “They said they were going skinny dipping and I’m not skinny enough.” And thus, the term ‘Chunky Dunk” was invented.

00:24:39 – Close the door! What, did you grow up in a barn?

00:25:00 – “What’s this?” “Your bed.” And Chris leaves the girl, cold shoulder and cruel hearted as she is.

00:25:15 – Oh, Christ on this Throne. Andy brought a guitar.

00:25:29 – I’m not sure this is a 3D moment but it’s pretty boring enough that I’m sure the swinging bale of hair is supposed to be impressive.

00:25:44 -“I gave up an opportunity to spend the weekend with Mary Jo Conrad for this.” THE Mary Jo Conrad?!

00:26:10 – Most guys who take their shirts off in this series end up dead. Think about it – Steve and Kevin Bacon from the first and Jeff from the last movie. Swimming scenes don’t apply and neither if your character is not a central member of the cast. So maybe we can look forward to another delightful theme popping up when Rick’s blood gets spilled.

00:26:30 – This guy wants to spend three hours a day having sex but twenty bucks says he doesn’t need more than twenty minutes to finish up.

00:26:38 – An androgynous scream fills the air and everyone leaps into action!

00:27:35 – Shelly! With a HATCHET TO THE FOREHEAD!

00:27:58 – Andy does what comes natural to a corpse – he goes ‘cootchiecootchiecoo!”

00:28:24 – “Asshole.” It’s been pretty clear that Chris had some shit happen to her two years ago (movie time) that affected her, making her sensitive to horror. Now Andy and Debbie know about this. Would you think they’d tell Shelly, who is known for pulling some horror jokes? Look, he might be some fat nerd but why didn’t anyone say “Hey, don’t freak out the traumatized girl”?

00:28:46 – Tight, faded light blue jeans. Loafers. White socks. Knit belt. Light plaid shirt. This is the uniform of a dork.

00:28:48 – Also, another damn VW Bug.

00:29:10 – “He doesn’t know what happened,” Debbie says of Shelly. WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL HIM?

00:29:44 – The lady at the store says “We don’t accept no food stamps.” I throw my hands up. And she shouldn’t have such an attitude since she looks like Johnny Ramone.

00:29:53 – IT’S IN 3D! Shelly tosses his wallet! like a dipshit!

00:30:05 – Heavy Handed Horror Handbook: Pad your movie’s body count by introducing some irredeemable element in the second act: street gang, bikers, asshole jocks, snide sorority bitches. The audience will actually root for their deaths and it allows you to be more gruesome in their downfalls – because it’s okay to be violent, if the motherfucker deserves it!

00:31:13 – After trying to buy off the bikers with a beer, Shelly complains over the change. If he didn’t have what my friend Murray would call a “Jew-Fro,” I’d say this movie was just trying to make him seem stingy.

00:31:42 – Shelly, you had to go back about fifteen feet before you hit those bikes. Brakes, son. Get in the game!

00:31:54 – STOP THE CAR! HE HAS A CHAIN!

00:32:08 – Kind of looks like Dave Chapelle if Dave Chapelle was taller, older and uglier.

00:32:14 – IT’S IN 3D! CHAIN FIST OF BIKER vs. WINDOW! WHO WINS? (Chain fist of Biker)

00:32:38 – “He went too far this time!” You sort of let him do it by not driving away, boy. You can’t completely blame the known robber for robbing you when you leave the door open for him.

00:32:53 – Hard to believe that we haven’t gotten any skin in until now. Is that a record? I don’t care enough to check.

00:32:55IT’S IN 3D! Gratuitous Yo-Yo.

00:33:00 – Wow, great job at nailing your girlfriend in the face with your toy, asshole. (not as dirty as it sounds)

00:33:03 – “That was close.” Close to what? Getting lodged in your sinus cavity? Thing smacked you across the face, girl.

00:33:47 – “My poor car, what did you do to it?” Dude, that VW was in pretty crappy condition before it even left the barn. But yeah, insurance probably won’t cover it.

00:34:11 – “Stay with me,” she says after a pregnant pause as to make it seem like she almost forgot her line.

00:34:53 – Chris and Rick head off, leaving Debbie and Andy to get the movie back on track. What? Skinny dip down by the pond? Great idea, future slaughter victim.

00:35:00 – Someone runs over your bike after you punch out their windows? What do you think? ‘Maybe I should not be such an asshole?’ ‘Perhaps I should get these cuts on my fist looked at?’ or ‘Let’s go steal the gas out of their van.’ If you chose the third option, you’re probably dead and so soon will these bikers.

00:36:28 – Fox’s secret fascination with barns is revealed.

00:36:36 – YEAAAAAAAAAH KICK THAT BALE OF HAY SHOW IT WHO’S BOSS!

00:37:33 – This is…pretty tame. Slapping a Canteen and banging on some metal really isn’t ‘getting back’ at anyone, lady.

00:37:44 – Slipping on her high heels, Fox almost ends up with a pitchfork in the eye.

00:38:09 – IT’S IN 3D! Looking down on a soon to be dead biker girl as she climbs up a ladder.

00:38:27 – Oooooh they’re going to commit arson. Okay. That’s a little bit more intimidating but kind of stupid considering that it might kill someone and ultimately, just some dented forks

00:38:46 – IT’S IN 3D! Loco chucks …something….at a playful Fox.

00:39:43 – Why did that biker take off his vest to climb up a latter? To lose the extra-half pound of weight?

00:39:50 – Personally, I’m glad we moved away from the single, jangly earring fad. I’m more for symmetry.

00:40:11 – IT’S IN 3D! The handle of the pitchfork that staked Fox to the cross-beam sticks out towards the audience.

00:40:12 – A nice death, by the way. Very strong visual.

00:40:22 – For his troubles, Loco gets a Pitchfork through the large intestine.

00:40:30 – IT’S IN 3D! Another pitchfork handle for the crowd. I wonder if the 3D increased the number of death-by-objects-with-long handles for this movie.

00:40:44 – Will Ali too die via pitchfork or were there only two of them in the whole barn?

00:41:16PLANCHA!

00:41:35 – That was a conveniently placed Machete.

00:41:42 – And for some reason, Ali goes and attacks some hanging rope netting in the corner of an horse stall. Drank some of the gas, did you, Ali?

00:41:50 – Wait, Jason is in the stall and he bludgeons Ali – wait, that can’t be right. Was that a hammer or some kind of heavy axe?

00:42:05 – Andy and Debbie come up, adding levity after the biker massacre.

00:42:24 – Andy contemplates the barn but decides against it, delaying the inevitable for about twenty minutes.

00:42:42 – We now join Rick and Chris, already in progress.

00:42:53 – “The quiet can fool you. Fooled me.” Pray tell, how did it fool you?

00:43:21 – “How do I break through?” BREAK ON THROUGH, TO THE OTHER SIDE!

00:43:23 – Aaaaand instead of answering that question or having Chris stop dicking around about why she’s all messed up, why not go and watch two hippies sleep? Or two dorks juggle fruit? Thanks, Movie!

00:43:30 – IT’S IN 3D! Dorks juggling fruit. I am impressed (no, I’m not)

00:43:43 – So dismayed by the boys’ childish contest, Debbie and Vera consider making out.

00:44:08 – Unless Chris decides to offer up an entry, I think Vera will win this Movie’s Jeannie Taylor award.

00:44:33 – Ah, Shelly. You’re moving too fast. You just met the girl.

00:44:41 – ACCESS DENIED! Sorry, son. I guess you better go juggle your apples tonight.

00:44:56 – “Sure. We’ll talk. Bitch.” Woah. Woah. WOAH. Shelly. Don’t be a sore loser. Just because she won’t touch it after knowing you for, what, six hours? Son, you just lost my sympathy.

00:45:15 – Vera, outside of some neon and some British Knight shoes, I don’t think that outfit can be any more 1982.

00:45:57 – Debbie’s response to ‘So, how do we do it’ got a sincere laugh out of me, solely from her delivery.

00:46:24 – Why watch some teenagers navigate a hammock during sex when you can see Chris and Rick work through her mental issues?

00:46:34 – FINALLY get on with it.

00:47:30 – We getting a flashback?

00:47:40 – YEP.

00:48:24 – Huh. Run away from home. Get discovered by a crazed killer. Nice moral, Movie.

00:48:51 – So this movie is happening one day after Part 2, which happened five years after Part 1. Part 1 was in 1980. Both Part 2 and 3 take place in 1985. Chris’s flashback is to two years earlier of Part 3. 1983, which would be at least six months later than when this movie ACTUALLY came out.

00:49:15 – IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

00:49:48 – “That damn battery. Charged it yesterday. Must not have taken.” Um, guy? When you have to charge your CAR battery daily, might be time to get a new one. Or you be a little a conservative and not run the damn lights for an hour.

00:50:25 – I’m trying to think of a good “hippie is going to die” song. There’s ‘Wotango’ by Deadbolt, ‘The Thing That Only Eats Hippies’ by the Dead Milkmen. Got any suggestions?

00:51:08 – You have power but no indoor plumbing?

00:51:29 – “Heavy shit,” says a hippie smoking weed in an outhouse. The levels, the many crappy levels that works on.

00:52:34 – Funny how this scene reminds me of a similar scene in Freaked, where I’m sure the intentions are reversed. Freaked. That was a good movie.

00:53:01 – Last time I saw two hippies skulking about, it was an episode of Scooby-Doo.

00:53:13 – Oh-okay? Is this a IT’S IN 3D! moment? I can’t really tell.

00:53:39 – Maybe it’s the lighting but it seems our boy Jason got some darker pants. That Voorhees boy. Such a fashionplate.

00:53:43 – I swear Vera’s outfit is radioactive.

00:53:50 – Cute, Manfredini. Having a fake Jaws theme play when Vera’s foot is grabbed by someone out of the water.

00:54:04 – Appearing for the first time, ladies and gentlemen, that iconic hockey mask – on the face of a fat dork named Shelly.

00:54:10 – Shelly is a fan of tough love when it comes to teaching people things.

00:54:20 – Wow. Shelly in a skin tight wetsuit. That’s pretty damn horrific.

00:54:25 – Okay. Any of you positive nerds out there who might feel something in common with Shelly, don’t follow what he does. Look, nerds and dorks get action and love all the time. It takes dressing a little bit better, some positive ideas of yourself and some restraint and bam! Love will come your way. Don’t worry, don’t stress and don’t chase after girls while brandishing a spear-gun. A message from GdL16.

00:55:00 – He looks over his shoulder with a thought of ‘All’s going according to plan.’

00:55:28 – And we get to see how unfortunate that wetsuit really is for our lad Shelton.

00:56:04 – “Chuck? Chilli? What are you guys doing in there?” Either weed or fucking, son. Speaking of which, there hasn’t been any games but plenty of pot.

00:56:16 – “You guys doing something I shouldn’t see?” If you have to ever ask that, the answer is YES.

00:56:40 – Wait, she’s had his wallet all this time?

00:57:32 – And there he is. The man behind the mask.

00:57:45 – He is not!

00:57:48 – HE IS!

00:57:51 – IT’S IN 3D! Holy hell, Jason just fired the spear gun at Vera.

00:57:53 – AND SHE TAKES IT IN THE EYE.

00:57:59 – And he’s totally gangstah about it. Doesn’t even care.

00:58:20 – I’m not fond of representing Jason without a neck. He’s not some hockey goon. Taller, yes. With the body of an outdoorsman, yes. But dumb and nothing but shoulders? C’mon.

00:58:33 – THEY WERE MAKING LOVE!

00:58:51 – So, is she pregnant? Or what? Was that some joke or no?

00:59:02 – Wait, why was the hippie taking a dump in an outhouse when there’s clearly running water?

00:59:38 – “Do you want a beer or not?” “Sure.” Okay, she’s not pregnant (or the worst mom).

01:00:09 – I don’t really get the guy’s obsession with walking on his hands. But I guess when you have nothing more to contribute to the movie than a visual sight-gag which will more than likely lead to a gruesome death, do what you can.

01:00:15 – Speaking of which…

01:00:30 – He gonna Norman Bates her?

01:01:00 – Guess not.

01:01:40 – Kicking off the third act here. Should wrap up rather quickly. We’ve got the hippies, Chris and Rick and this Debbie girl who has spent the last minute saying ‘Andy?’

01:01:50 – Is this supposed to set up a dichotomy between Andy and Debbie and Harold and Edna from the start of the film? Because I will take Harold over all these losers any day.

01:02:11 – Fangoria Magazine? Cool little shout out there, I must say.

01:02:14 – Ha! Debbie reads an article on Tom Savini, makeup and effects coordinator of the first movie.

01:02:20 – Ah, the dripping blood scene. Haven’t seen that since the first movie, yeah?

01:02:26 – “Where’s this coming from? First answer: from above you. She looks up and hey! Good news is: you’re finally taller than your boyfriend! (probably IT’S IN 3D! but eh, the effect translate well here.)

01:02:26 – And she gets KEVIN BACON’D – NO WAY. NICE, Movie.

01:02:42 – He steps on a twig. “What was that noise?” A twig.

01:02:51 – Chuck, proving that every broken clock is right twice a day when you throw it at the head of a hippie, pops popcorn the right way. Depends if you can find decent popping corn in your area. Shaws carries bags here, two for 4 bucks. It’s a good deal.

01:02:52 – IT’S IN 3D! POPCORN MASSACRE!

01:03:10 – “How come you don’t scream when we have sex?” “Give me something to scream about.” Yes, if I were somehow to find myself having sex with a bearded hippie, you BETTER believe there would be screaming.

01:03:29 – Chuck’s survival instincts, which had him avoid Kent State, Altamont and the brown acid, show up only to be dismissed by Chili as he heads out into the dark to check the fusebox.

01:03:51 – “So what if it’s dark?” Indeed. You could be on the NATURE TRAIL FROM HELL – IN 3D!

01:04:30 – Dead skunk? In 3D? do you care?

01:05:07 – It’s a case of ‘Boy Who Cried Wolf’ when Shelly shows up wearing a Columbian Necktie and Chili don’t play that.

01:05:14 – “Wait, am I? Oh yeah, supposed to die. I’m dead.” Good acting, Shelly.

01:05:27 – Yeah, an imposing figure is good but Jason doesn’t have a hump nor does he have a trapezius muscle of a bodybuilder on the juice.

01:05:32 – Oh, come on. That was a weak death. Fried hippie? Sheesh.

01:05:44 – “What’s going on?” Acting!

01:06:11 – IT’S IN 3D! HOT STUFF (poker) coming through!

01:06:28 – Chili tries to run around frantic, but it seems more like she’s lost a puppy than seen two to three bodies.

01:06:29 – Make that four.

01:06:30 – Laziest joke in the world: “Oh, a bad case of heartburn.”

01:06:50 – So because Rick is a moron, the two of them have missed most of the carnage as they return to the campsite to find…a) Jason gone to return to his shack b) it was all just a bad wet dream by Shelly or c) death and destruction?

01:06:11 – The Internet says that a 2010 CGI-movie from Isreal, featuring wildflowers fighting genetically modified corn, will be called ‘The Wild Bunch.’ That’s pretty …..disenchanting. Man, really?

01:07:26 – Okay, that was funny. “I smell something burning.” Good one, movie.

01:08:06 – Is Rick’s horrible sweater supposed to be a callback to Mama V’s horrible sweater? I’m getting that bad vibe off of it.

01:08:31 – Neither has called out for Shelly in their search. Take note.

01:08:48 – Mandfredini! Lay off the strings, man.

01:08:57 – Okay, that was a good shot of the panning camera and the struggling Rick. Why can’t you do that ALL the time, Movie? Why in the last fifteen minutes of the movie do you start to get clever?

01:09:13IT’S IN oh come on. Really? Squeezing his head for an eye to burst out with cartoon SCHBLOIP! sound effect? Come on.

01:09:31 – “Where’s that coming from?” LOOK. UP. YOU. MORON.

01:09:42 – “I don’t know what kind of game you guys are playing but I don’t like it.” Strip Monopoly? Electric Handheld Hockey?

01:10:08 – Debbie forgot to turn off the shower and damn, do I hate it when the drain gets clogged with long hair.

01:10:24 – Oh, his colors bled. Shame. Always get your uniforms prewashed to avoid that. We do here at the Local.

01:10:29 – “Rick!” He didn’t use fabric softener!”

01:10:56 – Loco is this movie’s Steven, except he’s wearing a shirt, doesn’t have a beard and like Steven, I couldn’t care less that he’s dead.

01:11:00 – Chis is losing it. The lighting does a good job with it.

01:12:11 – Yeah, who didn’t see that coming? Girl stands by some windows, calling out a boy we saw die just shortly before. D is for Defenstration, boys and girls.

00:12:30 – What do you know? Jason’s attempting to be an actual axe murderer.

00:12:41 – IT’S IN 3D! Shower of books. Books? really? I guess Jason got conked with a dictionary because he slumped over. Or he tried to READ the dictionary.

01:13:30 – Debbie falls over, which makes me wonder what Jason’s idea for the bodies was all about. Before, it seemed he was building a shrine to his dead mother. Now, it seems like they’re the worst (or best?) Easter Eggs.

01:13:55 – “OH JEEZE why don’t you just pull the knife right out of my back, whydontcha?”

01:14:13 – I don’t know if IT’S IN 3D! or not but she’s slashing at us like a girl who meant to cut things.

01:14:18 – After fifty tries, she finally hits something.

01:14:28IT’S IN THREE DEEEE Jason throws a knife.

01:15:04 – After proving then disproving the versatility of nylon jackets, she completely cracks our boy’s head with a log. Damn.

01:15:45 – Off to that van but it starts. Huh. I thought they siphoned out the gas before? Way to do a crappy job at getting revenge, Bikers.

01:16:33 – Ah, I spoke too soon. OH NO out of gas DID YOU FORGET are you an idiot OR JUST BORED WITH THIS MOVIE either way TRY AGAIN, GIRL! Maybe she shouldn’t have tried to pull a hit and run in a VAN.

01:16:51 – And the bridge starts to suck. IT ALL COMES BACK. Thank you, Heavy Handed Horror Handbook.

01:17:00 – Of course there’s a reserve tank. Of course. But what good does that do you when the bridge is collapsing (as well as is your trachea, thanks to the hand around your neck?)

01:17:20 – Not to be too much of a twit but how fast could she have manually cranked the window up when the inhuman death machine was choking the life out of her? Seems a bit fishy, Movie.

01:17:40 – I like how Jason has suddenly forgotten he got stabbed in the knee.

01:17:50 – It all ends in the barn. You knew it would come down to this.

01:18:16 – “I’m not locked in here with you. You’re locked in here with me!”

01:18:38 – Jason throws around some chairs. Just for the hell of it.

01:18:50 – One might say this movie is ‘stalling’ for time.

01:19:11 – The hell is with people against looking UP in this movie?

01:19:42KITS FIN TREATIED! Chris falls and Jason’s weakspot is exposed – death from above.

01:19:51 – The Convenient Machete, a new band name, book title or philosophy on life?

01:20:20 – Considering his established soft spot on the top of the head, wouldn’t it have worked for her to drop a bale of hay on him? Those suckers are rarely light (unless they’re in a movie.)

01:20:32 – QUIT DOING THAT jeeze, Chris. You keep on bashing the boy in the head. You’re going to cause some brain damage!

01:21:01IT’S IN 3D! Okay, this is innovative. Hanging him, his dangling body above the camera with the stupid novelty effect. Still, a good shot and idea. Who hangs a hated enemy (outside the KKK and rope-based superheroes?)

01:21:12 – A short drop with a sudden stop.

01:21:40 – We have the “false sense of relief now.” Chris goes about her business, sighing, attempting to open the barn door…

01:22:22 – …to find that Jason swings level to the ground…

01:22:24 -…and that he’s NOT DEAD! I guess there’s advantages to not having a neck, after all.

01:22:30 – And he pulls the mask off! AND HE’S not that ugly.

01:22:32 – Really, not someone that ugly. Yeah, he needs dental work and they got rid of the hair but we’ve got benefits. He’s shown that he’s good with his hands, has no problem with manual labor, works well in work pants and boots and has no problem with the dead. If he could afford the dues and keep his extra-curricular activities to a restrained level, he could have been a good member of the Local here. But, I guess we only have room for one Jason.

01:22:43 – Jason stalks Chris and I get flashbacks to when Farkus stalked Ralphie at the end of ‘A Christmas Story.’ And ‘Peter and the Wolf’ was playing in my head.

01:22:46 – Suddenly, Ali (who isn’t dead, he got better) comes out and now gets to park his bike in the handicap spots from now on.

01:23:00 – Jason gets a little too wrapped up in his work, as he did when finishing off Paul in Part 2, allowing for Chris to pick up an axe and – cute the music!

01:23:13 – Wait? No slow-mo? No screeching strings like when Alice did in Mama V and Ginny did in Jason? Movie. I’m surprised. Not disappointed, just surprised.

01:12:18 – Oh, false start. Seems that Jasonc an take an AXE TO THE MOTHERFUGGIN’ FOREHEAD.

01:23:32 – Or, can he? (ps. itsinthreedeee)

01:23:50 – So with all of her friends dead (Andy, Debbie, Shelly, Vera, Chuck, Chili, Rick) along with people she didn’t know (Harold, Vera) and others she wouldn’t want to (Ali, Fox, Loco), our girl decides NOT to call the authorities or even leave the premises. Instead, she decides, ‘let’s go get in a boat.’

01:24:28 – Morning. Still waters run deep.

01:24:41 – OH MY GOD WHY DIDN’T I CALL THE COPS yes girl, you are still in New Jersey.

01:25:19 – That duck was hilarious and an ASSHOLE.

01:25:25 – What next? Some fish jumping about to startle her? Some cow mooing? What you got, Movie?

01:25:31 – Why, you’ve got Jason, still alive!

01:25:40 – I find it rather odd that only now has she decided to escape.

01:26:09 – He’s real – OR IS HE?

01:26:15 – AND instead of creepy half-rotted boy Jason reaching up for a surviving Alice, we get half-rotted Pamela Voorhees in ugly sweater and fantastic make-up job to drag Chris underwater, even though none of what I just saw makes a lick of sense.

01:26:36 – Portly Dennis Farino knock-off sherrif walks the property.

01:26:55 – Flipped out. To where she’s laughing? Or screaming. Was it real? Was it fake?

01:27:40 – The panning camera to the lifeless body of a axe-still-in-head Jason seems to tell us that what we saw was COMPLETELY true.

01:28:11 – And Camp Crystal Lake is peaceful, if not filthy, once again.

01:28:21 – ROLL CREDITS! Manfredini! Bust out the synth track! Friday the 13th – PART III. Jason Productions, Inc. All Right Reserved or we come after you with the long knives. Based upon characters by Victor Miller and Ron Kurz! Co-starring Nick “Not Fred” Savage, Gloria Charles and Charles Gloria and Kevin ‘The Pipes, The Pipes Are Calling’ O’Brien. Featuring all the names you saw at the start of the movie AND THEN SOME. AND REMEMBER – IT’S IN 3D!

Wrap Up: Much easier to handle. I think Steve Miner came into his own here. He had a decent script that ensures that whoever showed up was going to die in a particularly entertaining way, advancing the movie and keeping the plot going.

It makes sense how some folk might not like the start of the movie, basically depriving the Jason-through-the-window ending of the last movie (spoiler alert!) but Jason is a rainbow of flavors.

This movie was the one where he put on the iconic hockey mask, spawning an instant image associated with ‘deranged killer’ that wasn’t already connected to ‘Hockey.’ It’s kind of interesting to see how it all came about, since it’s not a natural progression to go from half-drowned naked boy to baggyheadman to playing goalie for the Redwings. You think they would have taken a mask from the Devils but life is strange.

And it’s only gets stranger from here.

Want to throw a thanks to http://fridaythe13thfilms.com/, who have been a great help so far and will continue to do so for weeks to come.

Free RPG Day Is Coming!

Don’t forget, Free RPG Day is on June 19th this year! So whether you’re a horror fan that already plays RPGs or are just interested in starting, mark your calendars and get ready for free role-playing game goodies!

Tuesday uEtsy

This week, we’re taking a break while we continue to look around etsy.com for prime candidates for future Tuesday uEtsy spotlights. We want to thank those who we’ve spotlighted before, for each artists and creative person who takes the initiative to put his or her own products out for public sale are pretty cool in our book. Putting your handiwork up for sale, especially on the Internet, takes guts and we want to applaud and thank those who do it everyday.

If you want to nominate someone for a future Tuesday uEtsy, email us here with the subject ‘Tuesday uEtsy Nom.’ We here are the Local enjoy hearing from you. Have a good week and we’ll be back next week with a new Tuesday uEtsy.