What happens when half a million dollars makes a TONNNEE of cash? ONE! MORE! TIME!
So here we are for this Strange Trip, going back to New Jersey for Camp Crystal Lake Redux or Friday the 13th – Part 2!
This is a long one so let’s get it going. Grab some beers, some bug juice, some strip monopoly and snacks. Because we never know what’s around the bend (actually, we do. It’s a dude with a BIG FREAKIN’ KNIFE!)
00:00:00 – Start
00:00:03 – First movie was Time Warner/AOL. Second movie is Paramount.
00:00:05 – Only good joke from Animaniacs was as follows – “The mink is working for Fox; the par of legs is working for Paramount; and the fat guy who needs rehearsal is working for Universal.”
00:00:11 – I should be more ashamed that I watched Animaniacs.
00:00:14 – A New Challenger Approaches! Steve Miner, taking over for Shawn Cunningham.
00:00:25 – Heavy Handed Horror Handguide: Use a kid reciting a nursery rhyme to emphasize innocence. Bonus: tie the kid to your killer by shooting it (in this case, a boy named Jesse) from the knees down right before your killer enters the frame, as you guessed it, shot only from the knees down.
00:00:50 – Enter
Sandman Jason. Our boy’s all grown up and rocking a decent pair of boots.
00:01:05 – Shit, are we in Amityville? Jason’s from Jersey so hey, maybe he went north for some R&R?
00:01:09 – Here comes the hot stepper.
00:01:18 – Yeah, the location isn’t that great but the rent is killer.
00:01:20 – Fade in to a sleeping Alice from the first movie. Clearly a victim of trauma, she wears green checkered overalls on top of an ivy turtleneck.
00:01:30 – ACTING! I think she’s saying ‘NO’ to further sequel appearances. But, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.
00:01:34 – I just noticed that she’s sleeping on something that looks like a doily and probably feels like a cheese grater.
00:01:40 – My theories of her having a wet dream are SHOT TO HELL as we fall back into FRIDAY THE 13th PART ONE!
00:01:50 – Either her lips are naturally red (they’re not) or Alice sleeps in lipstick. Waiting to plant a kiss on Freddy? (Sure, wrong movie but we go back to another flashback so I don’t think this Movie knows who it really is yet.)
00:02:00 – Another bit from Mama Voorhees and we’re back to Alice and the Unfortunate Pajamas (Indie Band Name.)
00:02:10 – “Did you know a young boy drowned?” Look, I understand that back then, there wasn’t the internet and people just couldn’t figure out the plot of a preceding movie by looking it up on their phone while waiting in line to buy overpriced Movie Popcorn. But this movie came out in May 1st, 1981 – not even a year after the first. Was the coke so bad back then that no one could remember?
00:02:57 – Mama Voorhees has the vision of her drowning son from the first movie and we are treated to a FLASHBACK within A FLASHBACK.
00:03:12 – And we get to see Mama Voorhees whip out her seven inches and try to shove it into Alice again – Date Rape is still a crime, Mama V!
00:03:28 – We pop back to Alice to let everyone know ‘This is what happened in the last movie. It’s important. Trust me.’ All right, Movie. All right.
00:03:43 – I wonder if Betsy Palmer ever felt self-conscious about seeing her teeth projected five feet tall on a movie screen.
00:03:50 – We’re back to Unsexy Catfight Beach Party, the abandoned Frankie and Annette project.
00:04:12 – This time around, I can notice the music. Mainly, I can notice how it sounds like caffeinated hornets doing their taxes on the string section of a low-budget orchestra.
00:04:30 – I always like Mama V’s shocked expression when Alice picks up the machete. ‘The blade I would use on her, now used upon me! My undoing done in by my own hand!’ Or ‘HOLY FUCK I’M ABOUT TO DIE.’ Pick and choose.
00:04:45 – Not only do you get Friday the 13th (part 2), we’ll throw in the last five minutes of Part One ABSOLUTELY FREE!
00:05:09 – Does this mean Jason’s a ‘water baby?’
00:05:25 – Back to Alice in her bedroom. Does this mean the movie’s starting?
00:05:30 – No. We still have to get the ‘it’s all a dream’ ending.
00:05:50 – For the record, I never drowned, nor came back from the dead to kill again. Union rules. We at GdL16 only bury; we don’t create the bodies.
00:06:05 – AND IT’S OVER! Finally. this movie can start.
00:06:20 – Alice hasn’t ditched the nightmarish hair-cut. By looking at her decor (70’s floral wallpaper, muted pink bath curtain, the fact she’s wearing green-checkered overalls) it’s clear this girl is clinically insane and should not be left alone.
00:06:30 – Don’t think Christina Hendricks could make what that girl’s wearing look good.
00:07:07 – “I know you and Dad worry.” What? Why am I repeating everything you say so the audience can hear? What did you ask, Mom? What audience?
00:07:20 – I’m waiting for Lady Gaga to appear a version of what Alice is wearing. Maybe for Halloween?
00:07:30 – Heavy Handed Horror Handguide: make sure to emphasize your killer’s parental relationships by having a scene where one of your protagonists argues with his or her mother.
00:07:55 – Oh, Movie. I get it. ‘Is that Alice or is that Mama V?’ You’re casting ambiguity between the roles of the evil and the good when they both utilize similar methods. Oh, Movie. You’re such a lil’ rascal, aren’t you?
00:08:11 – At last, she does something smart – she takes off her horrendous clothes.
00:08:20 – I get it: this is a single shot. It’s supposed to be ARTISTIC and DEEP. I KNOW Hitchcock did it and made it work. But it doesn’t work when shit doesn’t happen, Movie. And give me back my copy of ‘Rope.’
00:08:43 – EXTREME CLOSEUP
00:08:44 – And we have our first cut in two and half minutes. Not bad, except I’ve already gone through a two cups of coffee and six cans of JOLT. Not a good sign.
00:09:20 – Times like these, you are thankful for roommates for they often make noise when killed and slow the murderer down.
00:10:01 – It’s like she’s LARPing a bad game of Clue. ‘Professor Plum in the Drawing Room with the X-Acto Knife!’
00:10:11 – Considering all that she went through, I wouldn’t blame Alice for owning a gun.
00:10:22 – But I do blame her for NOT owning one. Is that a Meat Skewer? C’mon, Alice. Get your head in the game.
00:10:43 – IT’S JASON – AND HE’S THROWING CATS!
00:10:45 – Yeah, that cat was probably pissed at being fastball special’d through the open window but c’mon, Movie. That sound was f as in fake and B as in BAD.
00:10:53 – The cat’s on edge because he SAW the first movie and he knows what happened to the snake. Animals have a bad track record, so far.
00:11:05 – “Cute,” she says, insulting the cat. Hey lady, you’re the one who left the damn window open. Why not just write KILLERS ENTER IN THROUGH THE BACK on the front door and cover yourself in sex and BBQ sauce while you wait?
00:11:10 – Alice goes to get some milk from the fridge when IN HORROR she finds out that THE V8 HAS GONE BAD also Mama Voorhees’ head is in her fridge.
00:11:15 – Not one to let a near-perfect record gets spoiled, Jason brings the Survivor Count down to 0 for Part 1 (by jabbing the skewer through Alice’s temple.) Not technically a perfect game but a good way to start off Part 2.
00:11:19 – We’re supposed to think the cat is expressing concern but in truth, it sees the open fridge and Alice’s death as a way to unlimited milk access.
00:11:25 – I’m half expecting Jason to burn off Alice’s face but I guess he’s going to have a cup of tea instead. That boy is full of surprises.
00:11:30 – WHITE OUT!
00:11:32 – AND FADE TO BLACK oh hi there Movie Logo how you doing oh look you’re getting closer wait is this the right movie I thought I paid to see OH MY GOD YOU BLEW UP oh yeah this is Part 2. Neat.
00:11:45 – PART 2! Starring, Amy “Doctor” Steel, John “McFlurry” Furrey and ‘Only in the first ten minutes’ Adrienne King.
00:11:59 – With a name like ‘Warrington Gillette,’ you think the guy was loaded. Or he joins Penn as ‘guys wishing they weren’t born to the wrong Gillettes.’
00:12:15 – Peter “Don’t call me Frankie” Stein.
00:12:27 – Casting: Simon and Cumin. “Finding disposable Actors since 1980!”
00:12:32 – We trade Tom Savini for Carl Fullerton on this one. I think we’re in good hands. Gross but good hands.
00:12:39 – The only holdover that HASN’T been killed: Harry Manfredini. Devil tried to steal Harry’s soul but the fiddle contest that ensued scared Lucifer back to hell.
00:12:57 – Wait, SUSAN Cunnigham? Did Shawn Cunningham pull a Lana Wachowski? (ed. No, he didn’t. And Lana Wachowski remains a rumor.)
00:13:08 – Written by Ron Kurz.
00:13:20 – Thirteen minutes in and the movie starts in a truck. I’m thrilled.
00:13:30 – “Hey, there’s a gas station.” No sign of the dog. Must have been heartbroken when Annie died.
00:13:42 – Two people lost on their way to the Hope, NJ’s revival of ‘HAIR’ get out of the truck and RALPH Holy shit! God’s messenger himself! IT’S RALPH! Still in the same clothes as the first movie. You can always rely on Ralph.
00:13:45 – “Let’s call TED!” Dead Ted? (Look, I can reuse jokes from the first Strange Trip if this movie can rehash five minutes of the old movie.)
00:13:56 – Who the fuck/still uses a pay-phone?
00:14:00 – I think I was supposed to pay attention to Fred and Velma here but it was clear that there’s a tow-truck stealing their pickup.
00:14:05 – ‘HEY TEDDY BUDDY!’ says Fred in the voice he usually reserves for his crack dealer, a mixture of excitement, desperation and need.
00:14:20 – Know what would make this scene awesome? RALPH!
00:14:25 – “I told the others. They didn’t believe me.” You sure did, Ralph. You told the FUCK out of them!
00:14:30 – Man, Ralph is more accurate than and just as lethal as the black spot. Fuckin’ delivers better than Federal Express, that Ralph.
00:14:44 – And Ralph just bikes away, nonchalantly. His work here is done. Ride on, Ralph. Ride on.
00:15:00 – Sandra realizes what everyone in the audience has known for a good full minute and both she and whatshisface run off.
00:15:13 – The man-ring on that tow truck’s right ring finger can’t possibly be any bigger.
00:15:21 – We just got an ‘asshole,’ ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ in a three second period. Movie, have you gone raunchy?
00:15:34 – “Welcome to God’s Country,” says a goony looking nerd in a yellow flannel print shirt.
00:15:40 – Damn, boy. You’re already six feet tall and look like a damn ostrich. Why make yourself look any more gross by wearing shorts that don’t pass your thigh and penny loafers? I think we found this movie’s virgin.
00:15:54 – Ah, so this is Ted. Very friendly and touchy feely.
00:16:01 – Corn. And teenagers. Possibly, children, you might say.
00:16:18 – “…if we survive.” “If we survive?” You’re not going to survive.
00:16:37 – “…so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.” Ted, when you die, I won’t mourn.
00:16:45 – A log in the middle of the road ends Ted’s Comedy Hour and I’m sure the ‘Wrong Turn’ franchise ripped off.
00:16:55 – Hell, any movie that involves people driving.
00:17:01 – “This place is spooky.” Clearly someone didn’t grow in the rural northeast. That place isn’t spooky – it’s BORING.
00:17:29 – Sandra walks into the woods, finds the ‘Camp Crystal Lake’ sign that props forgot to bring back with them when they wrapped up the last movie.
00:17:35 – “Camp Blood?” CAMP! BLOOD!
00:17:55 – Jason must have a magic ability to hide when he’s standing merely three feet away from a person.
00:18:09 – A shot of a sign you just saw thirty seconds ago, in case you forgot it already…
00:18:11 – …and some blonde dude with his shirt half-opened is ringing a bell.
00:18:40 – In one shot, we have Guy in a wheelchair, Good natured Chick without a bra on and Nerd playing ancient hand-held game. It’s like a Movie Monster’s Box of Chocolates here.
00:18:45 – Not to be outdone by some girl in a redshirt, we now go to This Movie’s Sexpot as she frolics about the forest in half-shirt and jean shorts
00:18:50 – But what’s this? A killer stalking our sexkitten? And with a booty-shot to boot, with our girl competing for this movie’s ‘Jeannine Taylor Award.
00:18:54 – A slingshot? Is this Jason or Dennis the Menace?
00:19:00 – Oh, to be a hand upon that cheek – speaking of which, the rock hit her right cheek but she grabs her left. I shouldn’t be complaining about this because after all, it’s a fine ass but c’mon.
00:19:03 – Open black shirt, stunning jaw and tight jeans all help convey the “Hi, I’m a sexy douchebag’ look he gives the girl.
00:19:04 – And she tilts her head to say ‘OH, you. Objectifying me again.
00:19:06 – The wink of a dickhead. 1981 – where boys could still throw rocks at girls.
00:19:26 – Senior Counselor calls everyone together and half-shirt, bootylicious Vicky is seen holding an annoying small dog before Paris did. Of course, it’s the eighties so everything is big – even the small dog.
00:19:29 – Dickhead is named Scott and King High Bullshit seems to eye him with weird aversion, as if Scott tried to rape him once. Or, wanted Scott to rape him.
00:19:42 – I never considered Camp Counselor a ‘gravy job.’ More unhygienic and dull.
00:19:45 – Duh-duh-nuh-nuh-nah. Nah, it’s just Ralph.
00:19:56 – Ralph ponders if it’s worth revealing their fate, but arrogantly, the car drives on.
00:20:02 – We know what you’re thinking, Ralph. We know.
00:20:11 – THIS IS YOUR 1981 CLASS OF CRYSTAL LAKE.
00:20:21 – “What the hell?” NO ONE INTERRUPTS MY ORIENTATION SPEECH – NO ONE!
00:20:25 – Love Bug, more like a Suck Bug. HIGH FIVE!
00:20:35 – “I’m late!” she says. His response? “Ain’t mine!”
00:20:37 – Everyone holds in silence under awe of the DISCIPLINARY OFFICE HOUSE.
00:20:46 – Seeing a couple take their fights off out of sight from the kids makes me nostalgic for the Strange Family Summer Barbecue. Actually, scratch that.
00:20:57 – “I said I was sorry,” says Ginny in a way that Shakespeare once described as “total bullshit.”
00:21:09 – “I tried but your phones aren’t even working yet.” So bizarre how the lack of a phone factors into the horror movie. Like second only to the knife your killer wields.
00:21:23 – “I promise I’ll never be late again in my entire life.” Menopause sets in early at the Ginny household.
00:21:30 – The look says ‘no more wrapping it up for me.’ And so ends the Ginny’s Barren Vagina joke fest.
00:22:00 – “This place is starting to look like a Burger King.” Teenagers? Check. Uninsured staff? Check. Chances of catching a disease? Check. Creepy Mascot most people are afraid of? Double check.
00:22:12 – “Axes, knives, lanterns, saws – they can all be trouble.” They can also be fun!
00:22:29 – WE CAN’T STOP HERE! THIS IS BEAR COUNTRY!
00:22:40 – “Women, don’t wear perfume.” This is the set-up…
00:22:44 – “And keep clean through your menstrual cycle.” …and that’s the punch-line, delivered by a guy who has know clue to what it is.
00:22:49 – PAUL OUT OF NOWHERE seriously, dude. Wear a bell.
00:22:56 – Like the back of a Volkswagen?
00:23:02 – WAH WAH WAAAAAAH
00:23:15 – “You’re such a sucker for it.” I suspect in Reagan’s America, Paul backhanded her and oppressed the minority student while funding drug-running contras in El Salvador and Nicaragua .
00:23:22 – When you’re sitting around a campfire and you say, “I don’t want to scare anyone,” you’re going to scare someone. It’s like saying “I hope it doesn’t rain” or “What’s the worst that can happen?” or “I’m sure I don’t have herpes.”
00:23:28 – “I’m gonna give it straight to you about Jason.” BULL-SHIT this motherfucker don’t know SHIT about me.
00:23:45 – “Some demented creature, surviving in the wilderness, full grown by now.” And that boy grew up to be Ted Nugent. I’m Paul Harvey. Good-DAY.
00:24:30 – His storytelling is engrossing. And by that, I mean ‘totally boring, Paul.’
00:24:38 – “A revenge he will continue to seek if anyone enters his wilderness again.” GET OFF MAH PROPERTY.
00:24:52 – So if the first movie happened in 1980 (“Present Day”), this second movie happened five years and later in 1985. Which was four years in the future of the movie’s release date in 1981. Got that? No? Don’t worry. It doesn’t mean a goddamn thing to the plot.
00:25:02 – HOLY SHIT IT’S A MONSTER Oh wait, it’s that fucker Jeff. Looking positively Vinnie Barbarino there, fucko
00:25:19 – This would be frightening if I wasn’t slightly comatose.
00:25:19 – More frightening than his mask? Ted without a shirt on. I think I’m going to be sick.
00:25:39 – “I don’t want to hear anymore about it. That’s ancient history.” Ass, you’re the one who brought it up!
00:25:49 – “Second act needs work.” Majoring in Child Psychology with a Snide Bitchery Minor.
00:25:53 – Ted sticks his tongue out at the mask, not like he ISN’T going to make out with that thing once everyone’s asleep. Poor boy’s desperate.
00:26:11 – I’d make the whole ‘upper body strength to overcompensate for my dead legs’ joke about the wheelchair guy but ‘Family Guy’ already did and it wasn’t that funny of a joke in the first place.
00:26:14 – Oh damn, son! Dude just popped his collar. Shit’s on!
00:26:24 – It’s too horrible! I b’lieve de muthafucker ’bout to ask dat rubber girl to dance!
00:27:00 – Paul can’t win at anything. Cars. Chess. Life.
00:27:16 – Electronical Wizard? I love those guys! I saw them at the Bell House with Crystal Stilts and Everful the Range.
00:27:30 – It’s the ‘we kinda want to fuck so we’re pretending to dance’ dance!
00:27:50 – “I just gotta see that place.” You know those women who write to serial killers? This girl would be one of them if she wasn’t probably going to die in thirty minutes.
00:28:25 – I’m expecting a horror when Ginny walks into her unlit cabin and I’m treated to her taking off her shirt. I don’t know if I got what I was expecting or not.
00:29:00 – Wait for it…
00:29:12 – …oh, drat. Only Paul.
00:29:34 – Snappy shoes. Jason doesn’t wear snappy shoes!
00:30:02 – I knew it was Ralph! RALPH EQUALS SNAPPY!
00:30:11 – Ralph does not approve!
00:30:19 – “There’s something I think I should tell you.” Holy shit, IS she pregnant?
00:30:25 – Ralph – NO! NOT RALPH! NOOOOOOO! Movie, how could you do that to me? To RALPH.
00:30:34 – You think you can white-out the only likable character for the past two movies so easily like that, Movie? Damn you and your cold heart.
00:30:48 – Beware of Bears. Yogi’s one mean bastard.
00:31:00 – Want to play ‘What are you running from?’ I say Ginny’s Running From…her constant pain when Paul loves her and leaves her.
00:31:12 – Hey! Why you gotta be a’flippin off-a the cripple? It’sa me! Mario!
00:31:20 – Jason’s breathing through his mouth and YOU WOULD TOO if you had his allergies. Ragweed is hell around Camp Blood.
00:31:45 – Got to admit that after the first’s movie cast being whiter than the audience at a Cake concert, this turnaround would be welcomed if it didn’t feel like ‘Up with Diversity.’ Nerd girl! Cripple guy! Black dude! Slut! Gay guy (you can guess which one is that.)
00:32:00 – And here we see the wild Voorhees select a candidate from out of the herd. Mating ritual,
00:32:07 – And your little dog, too!
00:32:20 – Awwwww. He made a friend!
00:32:24 – From dog to hot dog. Inappropriate edit, or the MOST appropriate.
00:32:30 – I’m not one to tell another person how to do your job but you’re supposed to be fifty-yards away from the group when operating a chainsaw. Safety first!
00:32:40 – I don’t trust any food cooked by a nerd in tube socks.
00:32:47 – Terry a.k.a. Sexpot McNoBra continues to show skin, wearing the confounding outfit of a long sleeved shirt over short-shorts. It’s like half of her is off message.
00:33:22 – Girl’s possessive of her chainsaw, keeping it in the closet right next to her shoes and butane torch.
00:33:34 – Woooo, beach scene. We got to get the Skin Quota up. We’re a third into this movie and Nipples sin Underwire can’t do all the work herself.
00:34:00 – Sandra has a hardon for seeing Camp Blood and her boy has a hardon for seeing her in that bikini top. Got the bull by the horn, I would say.
00:34:25 – Dude’s thinking ‘We could be having sex instead of doing this.’ I think EVERY dude is thinking that, RIGHT NOW.
00:34:36 – Mark looks scornfully at the water, cursing his feeble legs.
00:34:52 – I was too busy distracted at Ted’s Plan 9 Saucer Helmet to hear his fecal-related joke. I think I didn’t miss much.
00:35:00 – John Travolta and Janis Joplin go walking through the woods. Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
00:35:27 – Apparently, these two kids are severely blind not to see the six-foot tall serial killer standing behind the tree.
00:35:55 – I’m expecting a landmine here but I guess I’m supposed to think LOOK OUT HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU when I’m really thinking KILL THE BASTARDS. Strange Jason, your priorities are severely skewed.
00:36:04 – Those don’t look steel-toed to me.
00:36:14 – Them’s good eatin’!
00:36:26 – Jeeze, is everyone in this movie a damn silent ninja?
00:37:16 – “No punishment? What kind of place is this?” I don’t want to see this man’s basement or his secret ‘fun room.’
00:37:39 – “As far as I’m concerned, we didn’t see a thing.” Jesus saw, son. Jesus saw everything.
00:37:49 – And he follows it up with the most awkward attempt at skipping a stone.
00:38:00 – He’s not stopping because it’s Jason. He just hates joggers.
00:38:15 – OVERWEIGHT COUNTY SHERIFF! ON THE BEAT!
00:38:45 – For hauling twenty pounds of pasta and beer around his belly, that cop is ginger on his feet.
00:39:00 – I could make a joke that “the only time he ran like this was after an ice cream truck” but I don’t want to be hurtful. Yeah, he’s a cop but this is a bizarro universe where the assholes are probably nice guys and all the kids you’re supposed to relate with are really annoying pricks.
00:39:25 – Casa del Jason. Amazing what you can do with driftwood these days.
00:39:55 – Looks like some places in the French Quarter down in NOLA.
00:40:23 – NOT the worst toilet I’ve ever seen, I am sad to say.
00:40:25 – It’s clear this cop isn’t that smart or he would have called for backup or not gone into the shack by himself, so it’s hard to hate on a dumb guy who just wants the kids not to play around the serial killers.
00:40:50 – Cop just found Jason’s porno stash and I can’t blame him for that shocked look on his face. It’s just a shame that Jason is so territorial…
00:40:55 – …because Cop gets a CLAW HAMMER to the back of the skull. NICE!
00:40:57 – Just when things get interesting, we cut back to Packanack Lodge. That’s not a joke – that’s what they called it. I can’t think of anything witty to say because I keep nodding out.
00:41:15 – Green turtleneck under a chestnut flannel, both tucked into pants held together by a knit belt. Paul, you are the fashionista of suck.
00:41:21 – OW! GODDAMN, GIRL! You nearly poked my eyes out with those nipples, jeeze!
00:41:35 – “I’m pretty tired. I think I’ll stick around too.” I’m pretty tired and we’ve got forty more minutes left.
00:41:44 – The Mary-Anne to the slutty Ginger is eyefucking the guy in the wheelchair while he pokes at his lasagna.
00:42:10 – Last time I saw a back of a pickup filled with so many bodies, it meant six hours of overtime on a holiday weekend.
00:42:20 – “I’m going for a walk!” she says as everyone leaves. A bit anti-social, this girl who never dresses in a full shirt.
00:42:25 – Despite (or in spite) of being a total dick, Jeff the fake Travolta is a patriotic man who knows how to roll his own (country’s flag.)
00:42:45 – Who knows when this movie will end? The Shadow knows.
00:43:00 – Paul, you outta die.
00:43:33 – She goes off to ponder the nature of the wet t-shirt contests her life holds for her, calling out the name of her beloved ‘Muffin’ before we get taken to another movie – the classic ‘Road House,’ starring Terry Funk.
00:44:00 – As if there was any doubt, she finally gets naked, stripping away, her clothing to go swimming. Why she didn’t bother with a swimsuit, underwear or common sense is like questioning the flight pattern of the butterfly.
00:44:45 – Two men going at it while the girls sit back and watch. It’s not porn, but arm wrestling.
00:45:10 – Janis makes an innuendo worse than the one I just made and it’s followed by one even worse than that. “Wrestle.” “Take me on.”
00:45:45 – “The one with the puck. “Position.” JUST FUCK ALREADY. OR DIE. EITHER WAY. DO SOMETHING.
00:45:52 – The movie tries to keep me watching by offering me a chance to bob for apples.
00:46:21 – This girl picked an odd time to develop some modesty.
00:46:31 – “Looking for something?” says Scott, practically impish. He Hansels and Gretels a trail of clothes for her to follow, leaving her pants first. He laughs and is pretty much an asshole.
00:47:00 – And for some reason, Scott walks into a bear-trap. Like, rope-tree-Bugs Bunny-type bear trap. I have never seen in real life.
00:47:27 – She literally leaves him hanging.
00:47:41 – Here, you take this!
00:48:00 – You’ll swing where the little birdies sing!
00:48:28 – FINALLY the horror movie starts again. And just like that, it’s back to the exciting SEARCH for a Swiss Army knife!
00:49:10 – With knife found, Terry returns to find Scott’s throat acting like a dead pig in the Upper Peninsula. She runs and screams and is never seen again. Seriously.
00:49:14 – But it’s TIME TO PARTY back to the bar ROCK AND ROLL good times.
00:49:50 – I know I’m in a bad way. I was just thinking “Man, it would be better if that was Clive Barker playing that crappy bar music instead.”
00:50:04 – Ted hits on a waitress. The crowd laughs. I drink.
00:50:28 – “Some girl panics and falls out of a canoe.” Ted. There were bodies. Like, six of them.
00:50:32 – “What if there is a Jason?” He’d be getting another beer right now.
00:50:45 – “Some kind of out-of-control psychopath? A frightened retard? A child trapped in a man’s body?” I love it when Ginny talks sexy.
00:51:25 – “He must have seen his mother get killed. All because she loved him.” There was also the killing WHY IS EVERYONE FORGETTING THE KILLING?
00:51:35 – Ginny would so be writing to Gacy if he was still alive. Maybe she and Sandra write their love letters to death row together?
00:51:53 – “What do you think?” I think you should GET ON WITH IT!
00:52:11 – “Jason’s a legend, Ginny. A legend.” Fuck right, I am.
00:52:26 – In one room, we have a couple making out and getting ready to screw; in another, a couple playing video games. It’s like your first year at college all over again.
00:53:00 – Mark wistfully watches, remembering at time when he could use stairs.
00:53:10 – Since we’re going to talk about murder and paraplegics, I suggest you check out ‘Murderball’ for an enlightening look into the world of para and quadriplegic rugby. One of the better movies out there.
00:54:40 – We have Weed and games. First monopoly. Then handhelds. Maybe this is a theme?
00:53:48 – Jeff somberly blows his own horn.
– What’s the term for someone who chases guys in wheelchairs? Parking Spot Sluts? Wheeled Women in Heat?
00:55:51 – I was going to say ‘Who brings sexy underwear to a summer camp?’ and then I realized, ‘Son, these are horny-ass teenagers. Everyone does.’
00:56:29 – She switched the black cotton for the earth-tone satin and I can’t really get behind that decision to go outside while not wearing any pants, girl.
00:56:57 – Wait, didn’t Paul say ‘we only have two cars?’ Where’d that damn Datsun come from?
00:57:29 – And here comes the rain.
00:57:51 – Mark hears thunder and think it’s Vicki. Along with being crippled, Mark’s a dumb motherfucker.
00:58:30 – All that extra upper body strength didn’t do shit for that MACHETE TO THE FACE.
00:58:35 – Adding injury to insult/death, Mark gets defeated by his old enemy – stairs.
00:58:50 – THEY WERE MAKING LOVE!
00:59:30 – Wait. Is that a real spear? Why the hell would they have a real spear?
01:00:03 – Not only is it a real spear, it can be used to impale not just two bodies but all the way through a mattress as well. And you had TED HOLDING THAT THING?
01:00:15 – Speaking of which, we’re back to Ted, Paul and Ginny and I can’t believe it, but Ted might make it out alive. What…what a shame.
01:01:16 – I spoke too soon. Seems Ted’s an alcoholic. If Jason doesn’t get him, advanced liver failure will.
01:02:05 – Vickie goes to check up on Sandra and Jeff…
01:02:22 – …only to find JASON with BAG ON HIS HEAD. Bag it and tag it, Vickie.
01:02:37 – Awwwwwww. His Mommy gave him that knife.
01:02:50 – Girl, you’re supposed to RUN. Not linger for enough time so the Camera can focus on the back of the blade.
01:03:30 – Hey Joe. Where you goin’ with that corpse in your hand?
01:03:50 – “Think something’s wrong?” Ginny asks, unaware that there’s twenty minutes left. Wrong happened half an hour ago, hon.
01:04:11 – Blood on the sheets. I’d make another menstrual joke but damn if there haven’t been enough already.
01:05:04 – Ginny goes all The Shining on us with “There’s someone in this room.” And there you have it, Jason with a Spear and Overalls. OVERALLS. The fuck is up with overalls in this movie?
01:05:30 – Ginny is completely useless as she watches Jason kill off Paul without offering to help. Jeeze.
01:06:02 – Jason seems rather good at defenestration. The man threw his arm through that window like a pro.
01:07:05 – PITCHFORK!
01:07:12 – RALPH! STILL IN THE PANTRY. Man. Continuity! Love it.
01:07:43 – And of course, the VW Bug doesn’t work.
01:08:08 – Regret going for the convertible NOW, don’t you, honey?
01:08:45 – Did she – SHE DID – she just kicked Jason in the nuts! HOLY SMOKES bad form DIRTY POOL.
01:09:43 – Shame Crystal Lake doesn’t have an American football team. Nice tackle there, J. Shame you missed.
01:10:01 – Man, I don’t even know where we are.
01:11:15 – The Rats are coming – JASON IS HERE.
01:11:31 – That’s probably the grossest and most accurate thing to happen through this entire movie.
01:12:14 – Oh. We’re back in Ginny’s cabin. She busts out that chainsaw….and breaks a chair over him? Instead of using the chainsaw…she already had going?
01:12:41 – And she runs off into the woods. Familiar mud puddle.
01:13:24 – Jason’s shack is easier to find than a Starbucks in a college town.
01:13:31 – What? Jason’s coming up behind you? Maybe not using that chainsaw was HOLY CRAP WHAT IS wait is that Mama V?
01:13:38 – IT IS.
01:14:05 – Can’t say you aged well, Pamela.
01:14:42 – Yeah, I’m also confused, Jason.
01:14:50 – Oh. We’ve gone back into Creepytown. Is this why you’ve harped on Child Psychology, Movie? That she’s using it to somehow make her look like Betsy Palmer to confuse him? Weak.
01:15:11 – For a moment, Jason wasn’t having ANY OF IT and I was happy.
01:15:57 – Look at that eye. Could you kill an eye like that?
01:16:04 – Apparently, Ginny can’t. She tried, anyway – Oh, hey Terry!
01:16:09 – And Paul’s still alive! Shit.
01:16:30 – Why don’t you HELP HIM, Ginny?
01:16:45 – Slo-Motion. Machete. C’mon, Movie. I get it. ‘Just like the first movie.’
01:17:03 – But, unlike Alice, Ginny doesn’t go for the clean cut, instead embedding the blade four inches into Jason’s shoulder. Poor guy has to die like a sucker, too. He kinda shrugs and goes ‘I’ve had worse.’
01:17:17 – Hey, thanks for finally helping me out back there, Ginny.
01:17:30 – The sack comes off and…we don’t get to see. LAME.
01:18:20 – Movie’s winding down. Sad horns are blowing and Ginny’s finally letting herself cry. Of course, she has a gash in her leg the size of Hope, NJ.
01:19:01 – BUT it’s not over! Someone’s at the door.
01:20:00 – It’s MUFFIN! MUFFIN! (laugh track)
01:20:16 – Awwww. Such a sweet ending…
01:20:21 – HEY YOU GUYS! In through the window.
01:20:29 – Well, there’s out boy. Bad teeth. Overalls. Poor hair. Kind of messed up side of the head. Not too bad, though. Last time we saw him, he was naked and half rotten so this is a step up.
01:20:39 – Yep. Show off the deformity – that’s nice.
01:20:52 – White out! and it was allllll a dream – OR WAS IT?
01:21:00 – Ginny gets loaded up into an ambulance and our last memory is the Vorhees household, dead bodies surrounding the still burning candles of sweet Mama V’s decapitated head.
01:21:40 – FADE OUT! ROLL CREDITS!
01:21:52 – AMY “nerves of” STEEL! John “Blizzard” Furey! Adrienne “Ten Minutes of Heaven” King! Kristen “Miss Jeannine Taylor ’81” Baker and Stu “I didn’t die!” Charno. With Warrington Gillete as your Jason and Walt Gorney as Crazy Ralph, RIP. Heaven must needed another angel!
: Okay, this one was pretty rough to get through. And why? Probably because I think the movie didn’t want me to be sober through most of it. Also, I didn’t have a date to distract me from the parts when this movie forgot to be a horror movie and tried to be a romantic teen comedy.
The horror bits were good – the effects nice, the drama of the chase was good. But there was too much filler, especially since half the cast fucked off sometime in the middle of the movie and had no real value to the whole thing. We still came down to a handful of corpses at the end of the day, a ‘is it or isn’t it?’ ending and me with a couple empty bottles .
In comparison, I can see how the first movie was better because despite being as long as the second, the original went by much quicker. But when you have a blockbuster movie to follow up with a sequel, you can’t really deviate from it. Why slice open the goose laying the golden eggs?