Category Archives: Strange Trip

TGIF13 Flashback

Not only is today Friday the 13th, but it’s also the last Friday the 13th of the year. That’s right, there won’t be another one until May 2011! Naturally, the Local feels it necessary to pay tribute, but we’re too short on time (and ideas) to come up with a new installment of our “TGIF13” series. So instead, please enjoy these classic posts:

TGIF13
TGIF13 II: WOOF WOOF WOOF!
TGIF13 III: The Beginning

Strange Trip: Friday the 13th

Strange Trip: Friday the 13th – Part 2
Strange Trip: Friday the 13th – Part 3 (IN 3D!!)

Happy Friday the 13th!

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Strange Trip: Friday the 13th – Part 3 (IN 3D!!)




Friday the 13th: Part III


Original Release: August 13, 1982

Pre-game Strangeness: Stick in 1.25 and get back 21.72. Multiply that equation by a million and we have the reason for PART III’s existence. can’t blame them, really. It was a movie that didn’t central around a specific actor, so no star could hold out for more money. The set is disposable and so are the teens. The only memorable face for the first two movies is Betsy Palmer. 

Part II was a bit harder to handle because I think that Steve Miner, taking over for Chris Cunningham, tried too hard to follow in Cunningham’s footsteps. Part I, now that I’ve had a while to get some distance from it, was nicely shot (albiet, slow for my sugar-soda-rattled brain.) Part II was excissive, with so much cast, drama and attempts to be everything at once. Bad jokes. Good gore. Nudity. You would think I’d be all for piling it on but restraint came be a virtue.


Not like that’s going to really come into play here. Part III means “3 as in 3D.” Remember to practice excessiveness in equal parts – for every bit that this movie gets dumb, take a drink. It’s like a game, where nobody wins.  

With that said, let’s get this trip started.

00:00:00 – Start

00:00:02 – The majestic Paramount, not to be confused with the majestic Parakeet.

00:00:06 – A Gulf-Western Company. Two places currently full of oil.

00:00:15 – ‘Paramount Pictures Present’ Positive Punks Pricing Pickled Pears.

00:00:20 – A Jason Inc./Frank Mancuso Jr. Production. Jason Inc.? Nice to know he went bus

00:00:26 – Part 3 – The Return of Steve Miner!

00:00:32 – Woah, woah -HEY! Wait. Pause.


Okay, I’ve done this before with Part 2. ‘Show the last five to ten minutes of the previous movie for those who have no idea what’s going on.’ Yeah, we have to keep in mind that there was no Internet, SMSing or newspapers so it was impossible to figure out what happened in a movie that came out just a year before. So this padding of the first five minutes is not so much necessary but ESSENTIAL to maintaining the plot and premise that this rich, layered movie.

So I’ve loaded up Part 2 at the same point in the movie as we’ve started here in Part 3 to see if it’s a direct transfer. Plus, it saves me you from the same jokes I made in the last Strange Trip.

Alright. Let’s roll.

Part 3 seems to be remastered to show off the lighting, like they inserted an orange moon


Double Mamma V!


Kind of gives the old Drive In feel with the audio.


Maybe if she didn’t go at it like Star-Wars Kid, she’d get the job done.


Stereo Pauls. Ugh.


I should do this more often. This makes it more enjoyable, sort of a sensory overload.


Double Slow-mo!


I still think Jason dies like a fool. You can hear the ‘Duh-OIII’ sound effect that his comically rolled eye and stiff slumping-over invokes.

00:05:16 – Alllllll right. Enough of that. About this time, the movies differ. We can finally bid Part 2 adieu and get on with Part 3.

00:05:30 – Jason discards the machete, crawling away powered strictly only by rage and the desire to get the new Devo album.

00:05:44 – Speaking of which, we get a synth poppy intro song with the credits COMING OUT OF THE SCREEN because what research I did prior told me that this movie was in 3D! Thank god we got over that hackey gimmick.

00:06:00 – We got credits and people POPPING out of the screen and I can’t be bothered. Jeffrey Rogers? Tracie Savage? I’ll get to you at the end of the film.

00:06:10 – It’s like every twenty-five years, we have to put on 3D glasses and try this nonsense again.

00:06:18 – Richard Brooker plays our boy this time around.

00:06:28 – Harry Manfredini! You’re still here? Damn, son. I’m glad you keep surviving.

00:06:33 – Martin Jay Sadoff, the 3D supervisor. He’s the guy who says ‘KEEP AIMING SHIT AT THE CAMERA.’

00:06:44 – I could just get some red and blue colored bottles and place them above my eye but I don’t think it would do the trick. I might do it anyway during the dull moments, but this movie already seems hip deep into the 80’s. Hyperactive cocaine use to follow, right?

00:07:01 – Martin Kitrosser and Carol Watson are behind all that I’m about to watch. Should I die during this viewing, they are to blame. Avenge my death!

00:07:20 – A storm, a convenience store. This is what Clerks originally started out as, a horror movie in New Jersey.

00:07:40 – Man, Harold knocks over a stick and Edna lays into him.

00:08:05IT’S IN 3D! Harold shoves his pole towards the camera. The audience gasps!

00:08:17 – “Jerk,” she says, ignoring the fact that thirty seconds in and she’s done nothing but bitched out a guy who looks like a retired Mario brother.

00:08:25 – Newscaster eight corpses. Mark, Vicki, Scott, Terry, Jeff, Sandra, Ralph (booo!) and either Paul or the Cop, depending on which continuity theory you subscribe to.

00:08:47 – IT’S IN 3D! Edna moves the rabbit ears towards the audience.

00:08:59 – “axe wielding killer.” Last time I recalled, Jason used everything BUT an axe, so far.

00:09:10 – Um, some tall, strange looking guy is stalking your clothesline and she seems pretty okay with that.

00:09:20 – Nice to see Jason ditch the overalls and flannel for a Dickies shirt and a pair of work slacks.

00:09:55 – Despite her being rotten, I have to give her props for hanging her clothes. Think Green.

00:09:28 – ‘Look Out For The Locomotive’ says a sign in the background. Good advice, I suppose.

00:10:00 – Harold feeds Lionel and Richie, his fish. Before eating the food himself.

00:11:04 – Harold is friend to all animals.

00:11:20 – But he is no friend for sanitation laws. Sneaking peanuts, I can understand but the swig from the Sunny D before replacing it? Disgusting, Harold. Disgusting.

00:11:57 – Scolded, Harold seeks comfort in his bunny.

00:12:23 – “Whatcha so nervous about?” asks Harold. Like rabbits are known for being totally laid back and chill.

00:12:34 – Harold comes across a Hutch of what I originally though were dead chickens but thanks to Fridaythe13thfilms.com, who has the script for this movie, I learned these were dead rabbits.

00:12:33 – IT’S IN 3D! SNAKE ATTACK (or LOVE ME LIKE A REPTILE!)

00:12:34 – I like how the snake hovers in front of Harold’s face a half a second before he turns around and flees.

00:12:50 – Unconcerned as to why her husband is running in a panic, Edna searches for her lost knitting needle.

00:13:03 – Gross, movie.

00:13:10 – Ah, don’t be sad, Harold, I don’t like the slithering buggers either. Though, I don’t understand why or how a snake would vivisect a few Rabbits like that (and we’ve established that Jason is friend to all animals that don’t fuck with him.)

00:13:31 – Harold stands up and misses out on his chance to die like Elvis – fat and sitting on his throne.

00:14:41 – Got to say, the cleaver to the chest looked good. And it raises a question as to why Jason just did it. Along with Ralph, I can’t really see why Harold had to die. Sure, he’s filthy but c’mon. This is Jersey.

00:14:50 – Here, Edna looks far too young to 1) be called Edna 2) be married to Harold, unless our boy Harry likes ’em young. Or maybe Edna goes for older men. It’s nice to see love bloom…in New Jersey.

00:15:39 – IT’S IN 3D! Rat goes a walkin’.

00:15:44 – And Jason finds Edna’s lost knitting needle, kindly returning it to her by jabbing it into the base of her skull.

00:15:47 – Hey, Movie. What did Mike Nesmeth’s mom invent? WHITE OUT!

00:15:50 – IT’S IN 3D! Some kid holds a baseball bat towards the camera in such an awkward way, I think he doesn’t know what the damn thing is.

00:15:55 – A van full of Corpses Teenager!

00:16:05 – “It’s the white house on the left.” Not the last house, for that’s a whole different movie.

00:16:15 – Twenty seconds since appearing on screen and we already meet this movie’s horndog couple.

00:16:20 – “What would a weekend be in the country without sex?” he asks. If you grew up where I did, it was EVERY weekend, bud.

00:16:30 – Heavy Handed Horror Handbook: If you see it coming, it’s not a threat. All horror must come out of nowhere to get the most appropriate startle factor! Take note – if you see a guy with a mask slowly approaching, holding a knife menacingly, it’s likely to be the best friend playing a practical joke. Bonus: have a similar scene later in the movie where the friend accuses the would-be-prankster of pulling “another one of [his] stupid tricks,” saying “it’s not funny anymore!”

00:16:40 – “I’m not an asshole, I’m an actor.” Oooooh, I don’t think you’re even that, son.

00:17:00 – Oh, Shelly. Real character and beauty comes from your inside, which I’m sure you’re going to get to know up close and personal in about half an hour.

00:17:05 – Shelly grew up to be an Entertainment Lawyer. That’s not a joke. It’s true.

00:17:12DOES ANYONE HERE REMEMBER VERA LYNN!

00:17:31 – “Which one’s my date?” Her hopes are RAISED…

00:17:34 – …and VIOLENTLY CRUSHED TO DEATH.

00:17:44 – “The van’s on fire!” Oh god, it’s going to be a stoner joke, isn’t it?

00:17:50 – I WAS RIGHT goddamnit.

00:18:08 – When Shelly condemns his stoner friends, asking “is that all you’re going to do this weekend, smoke dope?” I think it’s a condemnation of the 80’s youth to their hippie parents. With the rise of suburban youth, of preppies and yuppies, the eighties were a time to denounce the Peace-Love-Dope lives of the Hippies that would grow up to be middle class.

00:18:24 – She’s pregnant?

00:18:30 – Andy asks “share with the less fortunate up front” and everyone gets stoned, blowing my ‘Anti-hippie’ theory straight to hell.

00:18:34 – IT’S IN 3D! Have a toke, audience.

00:18:36 – “Yeaaah.” Andy looks creepy as he receives the spliff, like it’s Golem to the Precious. Considering how much weed was smoked during those movies when I watched them, it’s not that far off of a comparison.

00:18:37 – I didn’t smoke weed when I saw those movies. I didn’t need to. They put me to sleep well enough by themselves.

00:18:38 – No, they didn’t (yes, they did.)

00:18:40 – “My whole world.” These days, it would be a laptop full of fansubbed anime, every MC Chris album and an active World of Warcraft account.

00:18:51 – Cops show up and what follows is why the words ‘be cool’ were invented for stoners. Everyone starts swallowing the drugs at the sudden appearance of two cop cars.

00:19:26 – What did you think of that joke, Movie? I thought so.

00:19:42 – Erik Estrada and Eddie Murphy are called to the scene to escort the bodies of Edna and Harold into the ambulance while Michael PS Hayes, John Ritter and the boring Charlie’s Angel all wonder why they can’t get any Tab on a Saturday. If it’s not clear, it’s the 80’s.

00:19:56 – HEY! KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE DAMN ROAD!

00:20:10 – “Don’t let your imagination run away with you.” Yeah, you can go but your imagination stays here.

00:20:16 – Despite being the wrong color and clearly dead for more than eight hours, we’re supposed to think that’s the Rabbit Harold cuddled earlier and accuse Jason of killing it. Except JASON. IS. A. FRIEND. TO. ALL. ANIMALS. (that don’t fuck with him.)

00:20:26 – That’s either Ray Stevens or Bram Morrison. Bustin’ out the obscure references like I was Seth MacFarlane.

00:20:37 – More like a young Charlie Daniels but not as drunk and crazy.

00:20:42 – “I must be in heaven!” he says, which is the dead last thing anyone has ever said with sincerity about waking up on the road in New Jersey.

00:21:01 – Someone said ‘shit, we killed off Ralph in the last movie but we need a crazy guy!’ and so, here we are.

00:21:17 – IT’S IN 3D! Look the crazy man in the eye, audience!

00:21:28 – What is a Higgins and why does it need a haven?

00:21:40 – Heavy Handed Horror Handbook – When showing a bridge, make sure to emphasize how it’s in poor condition so when it’s conveniently out during the third act’s chase, people will go “ooooooh, yeah” instead of “what the hell?”

00:21:55 – Okay, you can’t do that “ki-ki-ki, ma-ma-ma” sound effect for any bozo in a flannel shirt, Movie. You have to play by the rules like the rest of us.

00:22:14 – Yaaaay, we’re outside of the van! Let’s goof around instead of acting normal! Outside! of the van!

00:22:40 – “Is someone here?” Only me and Almighty, hon. And he’s busy making nachos.

00:22:45 – Want to show your love? Surprise someone by grabbing them by the neck and throwing them up against a wall.

00:22:50 – “My imagination or did it just get cold in here.” You grabbed her by the neck, you dumb fuck.

00:22:58 – “Did I do something wrong?” BY. THE. FUCKING. NECK.

00:23:03 – “Did I?” “No.” WHAT? Fine. Die, you dumb girl.

00:23:16 – This is ACTING. Like this is Uncle Vanya, some king high drama staging.

00:23:19 – “Don’t you even say hello anymore?” Maybe she would if you didn’t grab her -oh, who the hell cares. My nachos are ready.

00:23:28 – Rick’s a dick. Juvenile but until he ends with a Pickaxe through the sternum, I won’t be happy.

00:23:36 – “There’s only so many cold showers I can take.” GODDAMNIT DIE ALREADY.

00:24:00 – “Wasn’t this door closed a few minutes ago?” Chris is the only person with the secret knowledge on how to operate a door-handle.

00:24:17 – “They said they were going skinny dipping and I’m not skinny enough.” And thus, the term ‘Chunky Dunk” was invented.

00:24:39 – Close the door! What, did you grow up in a barn?

00:25:00 – “What’s this?” “Your bed.” And Chris leaves the girl, cold shoulder and cruel hearted as she is.

00:25:15 – Oh, Christ on this Throne. Andy brought a guitar.

00:25:29 – I’m not sure this is a 3D moment but it’s pretty boring enough that I’m sure the swinging bale of hair is supposed to be impressive.

00:25:44 -“I gave up an opportunity to spend the weekend with Mary Jo Conrad for this.” THE Mary Jo Conrad?!

00:26:10 – Most guys who take their shirts off in this series end up dead. Think about it – Steve and Kevin Bacon from the first and Jeff from the last movie. Swimming scenes don’t apply and neither if your character is not a central member of the cast. So maybe we can look forward to another delightful theme popping up when Rick’s blood gets spilled.

00:26:30 – This guy wants to spend three hours a day having sex but twenty bucks says he doesn’t need more than twenty minutes to finish up.

00:26:38 – An androgynous scream fills the air and everyone leaps into action!

00:27:35 – Shelly! With a HATCHET TO THE FOREHEAD!

00:27:58 – Andy does what comes natural to a corpse – he goes ‘cootchiecootchiecoo!”

00:28:24 – “Asshole.” It’s been pretty clear that Chris had some shit happen to her two years ago (movie time) that affected her, making her sensitive to horror. Now Andy and Debbie know about this. Would you think they’d tell Shelly, who is known for pulling some horror jokes? Look, he might be some fat nerd but why didn’t anyone say “Hey, don’t freak out the traumatized girl”?

00:28:46 – Tight, faded light blue jeans. Loafers. White socks. Knit belt. Light plaid shirt. This is the uniform of a dork.

00:28:48 – Also, another damn VW Bug.

00:29:10 – “He doesn’t know what happened,” Debbie says of Shelly. WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL HIM?

00:29:44 – The lady at the store says “We don’t accept no food stamps.” I throw my hands up. And she shouldn’t have such an attitude since she looks like Johnny Ramone.

00:29:53 – IT’S IN 3D! Shelly tosses his wallet! like a dipshit!

00:30:05 – Heavy Handed Horror Handbook: Pad your movie’s body count by introducing some irredeemable element in the second act: street gang, bikers, asshole jocks, snide sorority bitches. The audience will actually root for their deaths and it allows you to be more gruesome in their downfalls – because it’s okay to be violent, if the motherfucker deserves it!

00:31:13 – After trying to buy off the bikers with a beer, Shelly complains over the change. If he didn’t have what my friend Murray would call a “Jew-Fro,” I’d say this movie was just trying to make him seem stingy.

00:31:42 – Shelly, you had to go back about fifteen feet before you hit those bikes. Brakes, son. Get in the game!

00:31:54 – STOP THE CAR! HE HAS A CHAIN!

00:32:08 – Kind of looks like Dave Chapelle if Dave Chapelle was taller, older and uglier.

00:32:14 – IT’S IN 3D! CHAIN FIST OF BIKER vs. WINDOW! WHO WINS? (Chain fist of Biker)

00:32:38 – “He went too far this time!” You sort of let him do it by not driving away, boy. You can’t completely blame the known robber for robbing you when you leave the door open for him.

00:32:53 – Hard to believe that we haven’t gotten any skin in until now. Is that a record? I don’t care enough to check.

00:32:55IT’S IN 3D! Gratuitous Yo-Yo.

00:33:00 – Wow, great job at nailing your girlfriend in the face with your toy, asshole. (not as dirty as it sounds)

00:33:03 – “That was close.” Close to what? Getting lodged in your sinus cavity? Thing smacked you across the face, girl.

00:33:47 – “My poor car, what did you do to it?” Dude, that VW was in pretty crappy condition before it even left the barn. But yeah, insurance probably won’t cover it.

00:34:11 – “Stay with me,” she says after a pregnant pause as to make it seem like she almost forgot her line.

00:34:53 – Chris and Rick head off, leaving Debbie and Andy to get the movie back on track. What? Skinny dip down by the pond? Great idea, future slaughter victim.

00:35:00 – Someone runs over your bike after you punch out their windows? What do you think? ‘Maybe I should not be such an asshole?’ ‘Perhaps I should get these cuts on my fist looked at?’ or ‘Let’s go steal the gas out of their van.’ If you chose the third option, you’re probably dead and so soon will these bikers.

00:36:28 – Fox’s secret fascination with barns is revealed.

00:36:36 – YEAAAAAAAAAH KICK THAT BALE OF HAY SHOW IT WHO’S BOSS!

00:37:33 – This is…pretty tame. Slapping a Canteen and banging on some metal really isn’t ‘getting back’ at anyone, lady.

00:37:44 – Slipping on her high heels, Fox almost ends up with a pitchfork in the eye.

00:38:09 – IT’S IN 3D! Looking down on a soon to be dead biker girl as she climbs up a ladder.

00:38:27 – Oooooh they’re going to commit arson. Okay. That’s a little bit more intimidating but kind of stupid considering that it might kill someone and ultimately, just some dented forks

00:38:46 – IT’S IN 3D! Loco chucks …something….at a playful Fox.

00:39:43 – Why did that biker take off his vest to climb up a latter? To lose the extra-half pound of weight?

00:39:50 – Personally, I’m glad we moved away from the single, jangly earring fad. I’m more for symmetry.

00:40:11 – IT’S IN 3D! The handle of the pitchfork that staked Fox to the cross-beam sticks out towards the audience.

00:40:12 – A nice death, by the way. Very strong visual.

00:40:22 – For his troubles, Loco gets a Pitchfork through the large intestine.

00:40:30 – IT’S IN 3D! Another pitchfork handle for the crowd. I wonder if the 3D increased the number of death-by-objects-with-long handles for this movie.

00:40:44 – Will Ali too die via pitchfork or were there only two of them in the whole barn?

00:41:16PLANCHA!

00:41:35 – That was a conveniently placed Machete.

00:41:42 – And for some reason, Ali goes and attacks some hanging rope netting in the corner of an horse stall. Drank some of the gas, did you, Ali?

00:41:50 – Wait, Jason is in the stall and he bludgeons Ali – wait, that can’t be right. Was that a hammer or some kind of heavy axe?

00:42:05 – Andy and Debbie come up, adding levity after the biker massacre.

00:42:24 – Andy contemplates the barn but decides against it, delaying the inevitable for about twenty minutes.

00:42:42 – We now join Rick and Chris, already in progress.

00:42:53 – “The quiet can fool you. Fooled me.” Pray tell, how did it fool you?

00:43:21 – “How do I break through?” BREAK ON THROUGH, TO THE OTHER SIDE!

00:43:23 – Aaaaand instead of answering that question or having Chris stop dicking around about why she’s all messed up, why not go and watch two hippies sleep? Or two dorks juggle fruit? Thanks, Movie!

00:43:30 – IT’S IN 3D! Dorks juggling fruit. I am impressed (no, I’m not)

00:43:43 – So dismayed by the boys’ childish contest, Debbie and Vera consider making out.

00:44:08 – Unless Chris decides to offer up an entry, I think Vera will win this Movie’s Jeannie Taylor award.

00:44:33 – Ah, Shelly. You’re moving too fast. You just met the girl.

00:44:41 – ACCESS DENIED! Sorry, son. I guess you better go juggle your apples tonight.

00:44:56 – “Sure. We’ll talk. Bitch.” Woah. Woah. WOAH. Shelly. Don’t be a sore loser. Just because she won’t touch it after knowing you for, what, six hours? Son, you just lost my sympathy.

00:45:15 – Vera, outside of some neon and some British Knight shoes, I don’t think that outfit can be any more 1982.

00:45:57 – Debbie’s response to ‘So, how do we do it’ got a sincere laugh out of me, solely from her delivery.

00:46:24 – Why watch some teenagers navigate a hammock during sex when you can see Chris and Rick work through her mental issues?

00:46:34 – FINALLY get on with it.

00:47:30 – We getting a flashback?

00:47:40 – YEP.

00:48:24 – Huh. Run away from home. Get discovered by a crazed killer. Nice moral, Movie.

00:48:51 – So this movie is happening one day after Part 2, which happened five years after Part 1. Part 1 was in 1980. Both Part 2 and 3 take place in 1985. Chris’s flashback is to two years earlier of Part 3. 1983, which would be at least six months later than when this movie ACTUALLY came out.

00:49:15 – IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

00:49:48 – “That damn battery. Charged it yesterday. Must not have taken.” Um, guy? When you have to charge your CAR battery daily, might be time to get a new one. Or you be a little a conservative and not run the damn lights for an hour.

00:50:25 – I’m trying to think of a good “hippie is going to die” song. There’s ‘Wotango’ by Deadbolt, ‘The Thing That Only Eats Hippies’ by the Dead Milkmen. Got any suggestions?

00:51:08 – You have power but no indoor plumbing?

00:51:29 – “Heavy shit,” says a hippie smoking weed in an outhouse. The levels, the many crappy levels that works on.

00:52:34 – Funny how this scene reminds me of a similar scene in Freaked, where I’m sure the intentions are reversed. Freaked. That was a good movie.

00:53:01 – Last time I saw two hippies skulking about, it was an episode of Scooby-Doo.

00:53:13 – Oh-okay? Is this a IT’S IN 3D! moment? I can’t really tell.

00:53:39 – Maybe it’s the lighting but it seems our boy Jason got some darker pants. That Voorhees boy. Such a fashionplate.

00:53:43 – I swear Vera’s outfit is radioactive.

00:53:50 – Cute, Manfredini. Having a fake Jaws theme play when Vera’s foot is grabbed by someone out of the water.

00:54:04 – Appearing for the first time, ladies and gentlemen, that iconic hockey mask – on the face of a fat dork named Shelly.

00:54:10 – Shelly is a fan of tough love when it comes to teaching people things.

00:54:20 – Wow. Shelly in a skin tight wetsuit. That’s pretty damn horrific.

00:54:25 – Okay. Any of you positive nerds out there who might feel something in common with Shelly, don’t follow what he does. Look, nerds and dorks get action and love all the time. It takes dressing a little bit better, some positive ideas of yourself and some restraint and bam! Love will come your way. Don’t worry, don’t stress and don’t chase after girls while brandishing a spear-gun. A message from GdL16.

00:55:00 – He looks over his shoulder with a thought of ‘All’s going according to plan.’

00:55:28 – And we get to see how unfortunate that wetsuit really is for our lad Shelton.

00:56:04 – “Chuck? Chilli? What are you guys doing in there?” Either weed or fucking, son. Speaking of which, there hasn’t been any games but plenty of pot.

00:56:16 – “You guys doing something I shouldn’t see?” If you have to ever ask that, the answer is YES.

00:56:40 – Wait, she’s had his wallet all this time?

00:57:32 – And there he is. The man behind the mask.

00:57:45 – He is not!

00:57:48 – HE IS!

00:57:51 – IT’S IN 3D! Holy hell, Jason just fired the spear gun at Vera.

00:57:53 – AND SHE TAKES IT IN THE EYE.

00:57:59 – And he’s totally gangstah about it. Doesn’t even care.

00:58:20 – I’m not fond of representing Jason without a neck. He’s not some hockey goon. Taller, yes. With the body of an outdoorsman, yes. But dumb and nothing but shoulders? C’mon.

00:58:33 – THEY WERE MAKING LOVE!

00:58:51 – So, is she pregnant? Or what? Was that some joke or no?

00:59:02 – Wait, why was the hippie taking a dump in an outhouse when there’s clearly running water?

00:59:38 – “Do you want a beer or not?” “Sure.” Okay, she’s not pregnant (or the worst mom).

01:00:09 – I don’t really get the guy’s obsession with walking on his hands. But I guess when you have nothing more to contribute to the movie than a visual sight-gag which will more than likely lead to a gruesome death, do what you can.

01:00:15 – Speaking of which…

01:00:30 – He gonna Norman Bates her?

01:01:00 – Guess not.

01:01:40 – Kicking off the third act here. Should wrap up rather quickly. We’ve got the hippies, Chris and Rick and this Debbie girl who has spent the last minute saying ‘Andy?’

01:01:50 – Is this supposed to set up a dichotomy between Andy and Debbie and Harold and Edna from the start of the film? Because I will take Harold over all these losers any day.

01:02:11 – Fangoria Magazine? Cool little shout out there, I must say.

01:02:14 – Ha! Debbie reads an article on Tom Savini, makeup and effects coordinator of the first movie.

01:02:20 – Ah, the dripping blood scene. Haven’t seen that since the first movie, yeah?

01:02:26 – “Where’s this coming from? First answer: from above you. She looks up and hey! Good news is: you’re finally taller than your boyfriend! (probably IT’S IN 3D! but eh, the effect translate well here.)

01:02:26 – And she gets KEVIN BACON’D – NO WAY. NICE, Movie.

01:02:42 – He steps on a twig. “What was that noise?” A twig.

01:02:51 – Chuck, proving that every broken clock is right twice a day when you throw it at the head of a hippie, pops popcorn the right way. Depends if you can find decent popping corn in your area. Shaws carries bags here, two for 4 bucks. It’s a good deal.

01:02:52 – IT’S IN 3D! POPCORN MASSACRE!

01:03:10 – “How come you don’t scream when we have sex?” “Give me something to scream about.” Yes, if I were somehow to find myself having sex with a bearded hippie, you BETTER believe there would be screaming.

01:03:29 – Chuck’s survival instincts, which had him avoid Kent State, Altamont and the brown acid, show up only to be dismissed by Chili as he heads out into the dark to check the fusebox.

01:03:51 – “So what if it’s dark?” Indeed. You could be on the NATURE TRAIL FROM HELL – IN 3D!

01:04:30 – Dead skunk? In 3D? do you care?

01:05:07 – It’s a case of ‘Boy Who Cried Wolf’ when Shelly shows up wearing a Columbian Necktie and Chili don’t play that.

01:05:14 – “Wait, am I? Oh yeah, supposed to die. I’m dead.” Good acting, Shelly.

01:05:27 – Yeah, an imposing figure is good but Jason doesn’t have a hump nor does he have a trapezius muscle of a bodybuilder on the juice.

01:05:32 – Oh, come on. That was a weak death. Fried hippie? Sheesh.

01:05:44 – “What’s going on?” Acting!

01:06:11 – IT’S IN 3D! HOT STUFF (poker) coming through!

01:06:28 – Chili tries to run around frantic, but it seems more like she’s lost a puppy than seen two to three bodies.

01:06:29 – Make that four.

01:06:30 – Laziest joke in the world: “Oh, a bad case of heartburn.”

01:06:50 – So because Rick is a moron, the two of them have missed most of the carnage as they return to the campsite to find…a) Jason gone to return to his shack b) it was all just a bad wet dream by Shelly or c) death and destruction?

01:06:11 – The Internet says that a 2010 CGI-movie from Isreal, featuring wildflowers fighting genetically modified corn, will be called ‘The Wild Bunch.’ That’s pretty …..disenchanting. Man, really?

01:07:26 – Okay, that was funny. “I smell something burning.” Good one, movie.

01:08:06 – Is Rick’s horrible sweater supposed to be a callback to Mama V’s horrible sweater? I’m getting that bad vibe off of it.

01:08:31 – Neither has called out for Shelly in their search. Take note.

01:08:48 – Mandfredini! Lay off the strings, man.

01:08:57 – Okay, that was a good shot of the panning camera and the struggling Rick. Why can’t you do that ALL the time, Movie? Why in the last fifteen minutes of the movie do you start to get clever?

01:09:13IT’S IN oh come on. Really? Squeezing his head for an eye to burst out with cartoon SCHBLOIP! sound effect? Come on.

01:09:31 – “Where’s that coming from?” LOOK. UP. YOU. MORON.

01:09:42 – “I don’t know what kind of game you guys are playing but I don’t like it.” Strip Monopoly? Electric Handheld Hockey?

01:10:08 – Debbie forgot to turn off the shower and damn, do I hate it when the drain gets clogged with long hair.

01:10:24 – Oh, his colors bled. Shame. Always get your uniforms prewashed to avoid that. We do here at the Local.

01:10:29 – “Rick!” He didn’t use fabric softener!”

01:10:56 – Loco is this movie’s Steven, except he’s wearing a shirt, doesn’t have a beard and like Steven, I couldn’t care less that he’s dead.

01:11:00 – Chis is losing it. The lighting does a good job with it.

01:12:11 – Yeah, who didn’t see that coming? Girl stands by some windows, calling out a boy we saw die just shortly before. D is for Defenstration, boys and girls.

00:12:30 – What do you know? Jason’s attempting to be an actual axe murderer.

00:12:41 – IT’S IN 3D! Shower of books. Books? really? I guess Jason got conked with a dictionary because he slumped over. Or he tried to READ the dictionary.

01:13:30 – Debbie falls over, which makes me wonder what Jason’s idea for the bodies was all about. Before, it seemed he was building a shrine to his dead mother. Now, it seems like they’re the worst (or best?) Easter Eggs.

01:13:55 – “OH JEEZE why don’t you just pull the knife right out of my back, whydontcha?”

01:14:13 – I don’t know if IT’S IN 3D! or not but she’s slashing at us like a girl who meant to cut things.

01:14:18 – After fifty tries, she finally hits something.

01:14:28IT’S IN THREE DEEEE Jason throws a knife.

01:15:04 – After proving then disproving the versatility of nylon jackets, she completely cracks our boy’s head with a log. Damn.

01:15:45 – Off to that van but it starts. Huh. I thought they siphoned out the gas before? Way to do a crappy job at getting revenge, Bikers.

01:16:33 – Ah, I spoke too soon. OH NO out of gas DID YOU FORGET are you an idiot OR JUST BORED WITH THIS MOVIE either way TRY AGAIN, GIRL! Maybe she shouldn’t have tried to pull a hit and run in a VAN.

01:16:51 – And the bridge starts to suck. IT ALL COMES BACK. Thank you, Heavy Handed Horror Handbook.

01:17:00 – Of course there’s a reserve tank. Of course. But what good does that do you when the bridge is collapsing (as well as is your trachea, thanks to the hand around your neck?)

01:17:20 – Not to be too much of a twit but how fast could she have manually cranked the window up when the inhuman death machine was choking the life out of her? Seems a bit fishy, Movie.

01:17:40 – I like how Jason has suddenly forgotten he got stabbed in the knee.

01:17:50 – It all ends in the barn. You knew it would come down to this.

01:18:16 – “I’m not locked in here with you. You’re locked in here with me!”

01:18:38 – Jason throws around some chairs. Just for the hell of it.

01:18:50 – One might say this movie is ‘stalling’ for time.

01:19:11 – The hell is with people against looking UP in this movie?

01:19:42KITS FIN TREATIED! Chris falls and Jason’s weakspot is exposed – death from above.

01:19:51 – The Convenient Machete, a new band name, book title or philosophy on life?

01:20:20 – Considering his established soft spot on the top of the head, wouldn’t it have worked for her to drop a bale of hay on him? Those suckers are rarely light (unless they’re in a movie.)

01:20:32 – QUIT DOING THAT jeeze, Chris. You keep on bashing the boy in the head. You’re going to cause some brain damage!

01:21:01IT’S IN 3D! Okay, this is innovative. Hanging him, his dangling body above the camera with the stupid novelty effect. Still, a good shot and idea. Who hangs a hated enemy (outside the KKK and rope-based superheroes?)

01:21:12 – A short drop with a sudden stop.

01:21:40 – We have the “false sense of relief now.” Chris goes about her business, sighing, attempting to open the barn door…

01:22:22 – …to find that Jason swings level to the ground…

01:22:24 -…and that he’s NOT DEAD! I guess there’s advantages to not having a neck, after all.

01:22:30 – And he pulls the mask off! AND HE’S not that ugly.

01:22:32 – Really, not someone that ugly. Yeah, he needs dental work and they got rid of the hair but we’ve got benefits. He’s shown that he’s good with his hands, has no problem with manual labor, works well in work pants and boots and has no problem with the dead. If he could afford the dues and keep his extra-curricular activities to a restrained level, he could have been a good member of the Local here. But, I guess we only have room for one Jason.

01:22:43 – Jason stalks Chris and I get flashbacks to when Farkus stalked Ralphie at the end of ‘A Christmas Story.’ And ‘Peter and the Wolf’ was playing in my head.

01:22:46 – Suddenly, Ali (who isn’t dead, he got better) comes out and now gets to park his bike in the handicap spots from now on.

01:23:00 – Jason gets a little too wrapped up in his work, as he did when finishing off Paul in Part 2, allowing for Chris to pick up an axe and – cute the music!

01:23:13 – Wait? No slow-mo? No screeching strings like when Alice did in Mama V and Ginny did in Jason? Movie. I’m surprised. Not disappointed, just surprised.

01:12:18 – Oh, false start. Seems that Jasonc an take an AXE TO THE MOTHERFUGGIN’ FOREHEAD.

01:23:32 – Or, can he? (ps. itsinthreedeee)

01:23:50 – So with all of her friends dead (Andy, Debbie, Shelly, Vera, Chuck, Chili, Rick) along with people she didn’t know (Harold, Vera) and others she wouldn’t want to (Ali, Fox, Loco), our girl decides NOT to call the authorities or even leave the premises. Instead, she decides, ‘let’s go get in a boat.’

01:24:28 – Morning. Still waters run deep.

01:24:41 – OH MY GOD WHY DIDN’T I CALL THE COPS yes girl, you are still in New Jersey.

01:25:19 – That duck was hilarious and an ASSHOLE.

01:25:25 – What next? Some fish jumping about to startle her? Some cow mooing? What you got, Movie?

01:25:31 – Why, you’ve got Jason, still alive!

01:25:40 – I find it rather odd that only now has she decided to escape.

01:26:09 – He’s real – OR IS HE?

01:26:15 – AND instead of creepy half-rotted boy Jason reaching up for a surviving Alice, we get half-rotted Pamela Voorhees in ugly sweater and fantastic make-up job to drag Chris underwater, even though none of what I just saw makes a lick of sense.

01:26:36 – Portly Dennis Farino knock-off sherrif walks the property.

01:26:55 – Flipped out. To where she’s laughing? Or screaming. Was it real? Was it fake?

01:27:40 – The panning camera to the lifeless body of a axe-still-in-head Jason seems to tell us that what we saw was COMPLETELY true.

01:28:11 – And Camp Crystal Lake is peaceful, if not filthy, once again.

01:28:21 – ROLL CREDITS! Manfredini! Bust out the synth track! Friday the 13th – PART III. Jason Productions, Inc. All Right Reserved or we come after you with the long knives. Based upon characters by Victor Miller and Ron Kurz! Co-starring Nick “Not Fred” Savage, Gloria Charles and Charles Gloria and Kevin ‘The Pipes, The Pipes Are Calling’ O’Brien. Featuring all the names you saw at the start of the movie AND THEN SOME. AND REMEMBER – IT’S IN 3D!

Wrap Up: Much easier to handle. I think Steve Miner came into his own here. He had a decent script that ensures that whoever showed up was going to die in a particularly entertaining way, advancing the movie and keeping the plot going.

It makes sense how some folk might not like the start of the movie, basically depriving the Jason-through-the-window ending of the last movie (spoiler alert!) but Jason is a rainbow of flavors.

This movie was the one where he put on the iconic hockey mask, spawning an instant image associated with ‘deranged killer’ that wasn’t already connected to ‘Hockey.’ It’s kind of interesting to see how it all came about, since it’s not a natural progression to go from half-drowned naked boy to baggyheadman to playing goalie for the Redwings. You think they would have taken a mask from the Devils but life is strange.

And it’s only gets stranger from here.

Want to throw a thanks to http://fridaythe13thfilms.com/, who have been a great help so far and will continue to do so for weeks to come.

Strange Trip: Friday the 13th – Part 2

What happens when half a million dollars makes a TONNNEE of cash? ONE! MORE! TIME!

So here we are for this Strange Trip, going back to New Jersey for Camp Crystal Lake Redux or Friday the 13th – Part 2! 


This is a long one so let’s get it going. Grab some beers, some bug juice, some strip monopoly and snacks. Because we never know what’s around the bend (actually, we do. It’s a dude with a BIG FREAKIN’ KNIFE!)

00:00:00 – Start

00:00:03 – First movie was Time Warner/AOL. Second movie is Paramount.

00:00:05 – Only good joke from Animaniacs was as follows – “The mink is working for Fox; the par of legs is working for Paramount; and the fat guy who needs rehearsal is working for Universal.”

00:00:11 – I should be more ashamed that I watched Animaniacs.

00:00:14 – A New Challenger Approaches! Steve Miner, taking over for Shawn Cunningham.

00:00:25 – Heavy Handed Horror Handguide: Use a kid reciting a nursery rhyme to emphasize innocence. Bonus: tie the kid to your killer by shooting it (in this case, a boy named Jesse) from the knees down right before your killer enters the frame, as you guessed it, shot only from the knees down.


00:00:50 – Enter Sandman Jason. Our boy’s all grown up and rocking a decent pair of boots.

00:01:05 – Shit, are we in Amityville? Jason’s from Jersey so hey, maybe he went north for some R&R?

00:01:09 – Here comes the hot stepper.

00:01:18 – Yeah, the location isn’t that great but the rent is killer.

00:01:20 – Fade in to a sleeping Alice from the first movie. Clearly a victim of trauma, she wears green checkered overalls on top of an ivy turtleneck.

00:01:30 – ACTING! I think she’s saying ‘NO’ to further sequel appearances. But, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.

00:01:34 – I just noticed that she’s sleeping on something that looks like a doily and probably feels like a cheese grater.

00:01:40 – My theories of her having a wet dream are SHOT TO HELL as we fall back into FRIDAY THE 13th PART ONE!

00:01:50 – Either her lips are naturally red (they’re not) or Alice sleeps in lipstick. Waiting to plant a kiss on Freddy? (Sure, wrong movie but we go back to another flashback so I don’t think this Movie knows who it really is yet.)

00:02:00 – Another bit from Mama Voorhees and we’re back to Alice and the Unfortunate Pajamas (Indie Band Name.)

00:02:10 – “Did you know a young boy drowned?” Look, I understand that back then, there wasn’t the internet and people just couldn’t figure out the plot of a preceding movie by looking it up on their phone while waiting in line to buy overpriced Movie Popcorn. But this movie came out in May 1st, 1981 – not even a year after the first. Was the coke so bad back then that no one could remember?

00:02:57 – Mama Voorhees has the vision of her drowning son from the first movie and we are treated to a FLASHBACK within A FLASHBACK.

00:03:12 – And we get to see Mama Voorhees whip out her seven inches and try to shove it into Alice again – Date Rape is still a crime, Mama V!

00:03:28 – We pop back to Alice to let everyone know ‘This is what happened in the last movie. It’s important. Trust me.’ All right, Movie. All right.

00:03:43 – I wonder if Betsy Palmer ever felt self-conscious about seeing her teeth projected five feet tall on a movie screen.

00:03:50 – We’re back to Unsexy Catfight Beach Party, the abandoned Frankie and Annette project.

00:04:12 – This time around, I can notice the music. Mainly, I can notice how it sounds like caffeinated hornets doing their taxes on the string section of a low-budget orchestra.

00:04:30 – I always like Mama V’s shocked expression when Alice picks up the machete. ‘The blade I would use on her, now used upon me! My undoing done in by my own hand!’ Or ‘HOLY FUCK I’M ABOUT TO DIE.’ Pick and choose.

00:04:45 – Not only do you get Friday the 13th (part 2), we’ll throw in the last five minutes of Part One ABSOLUTELY FREE!

00:05:09 – Does this mean Jason’s a ‘water baby?’

00:05:25 – Back to Alice in her bedroom. Does this mean the movie’s starting?

00:05:30 – No. We still have to get the ‘it’s all a dream’ ending.

00:05:50 – For the record, I never drowned, nor came back from the dead to kill again. Union rules. We at GdL16 only bury; we don’t create the bodies.

00:06:05 – AND IT’S OVER! Finally. this movie can start.

00:06:20 – Alice hasn’t ditched the nightmarish hair-cut. By looking at her decor (70’s floral wallpaper, muted pink bath curtain, the fact she’s wearing green-checkered overalls) it’s clear this girl is clinically insane and should not be left alone.

00:06:30 – Don’t think Christina Hendricks could make what that girl’s wearing look good.

00:07:07 – “I know you and Dad worry.” What? Why am I repeating everything you say so the audience can hear? What did you ask, Mom? What audience?

00:07:20 – I’m waiting for Lady Gaga to appear a version of what Alice is wearing. Maybe for Halloween?

00:07:30 – Heavy Handed Horror Handguide: make sure to emphasize your killer’s parental relationships by having a scene where one of your protagonists argues with his or her mother.

00:07:55 – Oh, Movie. I get it. ‘Is that Alice or is that Mama V?’ You’re casting ambiguity between the roles of the evil and the good when they both utilize similar methods. Oh, Movie. You’re such a lil’ rascal, aren’t you?

00:08:11 – At last, she does something smart – she takes off her horrendous clothes.

00:08:20 – I get it: this is a single shot. It’s supposed to be ARTISTIC and DEEP. I KNOW Hitchcock did it and made it work. But it doesn’t work when shit doesn’t happen, Movie. And give me back my copy of ‘Rope.’

00:08:43 – EXTREME CLOSEUP

00:08:44 – And we have our first cut in two and half minutes. Not bad, except I’ve already gone through a two cups of coffee and six cans of JOLT. Not a good sign.

00:09:20 – Times like these, you are thankful for roommates for they often make noise when killed and slow the murderer down.

00:10:01 – It’s like she’s LARPing a bad game of Clue. ‘Professor Plum in the Drawing Room with the X-Acto Knife!’

00:10:11 – Considering all that she went through, I wouldn’t blame Alice for owning a gun.

00:10:22 – But I do blame her for NOT owning one. Is that a Meat Skewer? C’mon, Alice. Get your head in the game.

00:10:43 – IT’S JASON – AND HE’S THROWING CATS!

00:10:45 – Yeah, that cat was probably pissed at being fastball special’d through the open window but c’mon, Movie. That sound was f as in fake and B as in BAD.

00:10:53 – The cat’s on edge because he SAW the first movie and he knows what happened to the snake. Animals have a bad track record, so far.

00:11:05 – “Cute,” she says, insulting the cat. Hey lady, you’re the one who left the damn window open. Why not just write KILLERS ENTER IN THROUGH THE BACK on the front door and cover yourself in sex and BBQ sauce while you wait?

00:11:10 – Alice goes to get some milk from the fridge when IN HORROR she finds out that THE V8 HAS GONE BAD also Mama Voorhees’ head is in her fridge.

00:11:15 – Not one to let a near-perfect record gets spoiled, Jason brings the Survivor Count down to 0 for Part 1 (by jabbing the skewer through Alice’s temple.) Not technically a perfect game but a good way to start off Part 2.

00:11:19 – We’re supposed to think the cat is expressing concern but in truth, it sees the open fridge and Alice’s death as a way to unlimited milk access.

00:11:25 – I’m half expecting Jason to burn off Alice’s face but I guess he’s going to have a cup of tea instead. That boy is full of surprises.

00:11:30 – WHITE OUT!

00:11:32 – AND FADE TO BLACK oh hi there Movie Logo how you doing oh look you’re getting closer wait is this the right movie I thought I paid to see OH MY GOD YOU BLEW UP oh yeah this is Part 2. Neat.

00:11:45 – PART 2! Starring, Amy “Doctor” Steel, John “McFlurry” Furrey and ‘Only in the first ten minutes’ Adrienne King.

00:11:59 – With a name like ‘Warrington Gillette,’ you think the guy was loaded. Or he joins Penn as ‘guys wishing they weren’t born to the wrong Gillettes.’

00:12:15 – Peter “Don’t call me Frankie” Stein.

00:12:27 – Casting: Simon and Cumin. “Finding disposable Actors since 1980!”

00:12:32 – We trade Tom Savini for Carl Fullerton on this one. I think we’re in good hands. Gross but good hands.

00:12:39 – The only holdover that HASN’T been killed: Harry Manfredini. Devil tried to steal Harry’s soul but the fiddle contest that ensued scared Lucifer back to hell.

00:12:57 – Wait, SUSAN Cunnigham? Did Shawn Cunningham pull a Lana Wachowski? (ed. No, he didn’t. And Lana Wachowski remains a rumor.)

00:13:08 – Written by Ron Kurz.

00:13:20 – Thirteen minutes in and the movie starts in a truck. I’m thrilled.

00:13:30 – “Hey, there’s a gas station.” No sign of the dog. Must have been heartbroken when Annie died.

00:13:42 – Two people lost on their way to the Hope, NJ’s revival of ‘HAIR’ get out of the truck and RALPH Holy shit! God’s messenger himself! IT’S RALPH! Still in the same clothes as the first movie. You can always rely on Ralph.

00:13:45 – “Let’s call TED!” Dead Ted? (Look, I can reuse jokes from the first Strange Trip if this movie can rehash five minutes of the old movie.)

00:13:56Who the fuck/still uses a pay-phone?

00:14:00 – I think I was supposed to pay attention to Fred and Velma here but it was clear that there’s a tow-truck stealing their pickup.

00:14:05 – ‘HEY TEDDY BUDDY!’ says Fred in the voice he usually reserves for his crack dealer, a mixture of excitement, desperation and need.

00:14:20 – Know what would make this scene awesome? RALPH!

00:14:25 – “I told the others. They didn’t believe me.” You sure did, Ralph. You told the FUCK out of them!

00:14:30 – Man, Ralph is more accurate than and just as lethal as the black spot. Fuckin’ delivers better than Federal Express, that Ralph.

00:14:44 – And Ralph just bikes away, nonchalantly. His work here is done. Ride on, Ralph. Ride on.

00:15:00 – Sandra realizes what everyone in the audience has known for a good full minute and both she and whatshisface run off.

00:15:13 – The man-ring on that tow truck’s right ring finger can’t possibly be any bigger.

00:15:21 – We just got an ‘asshole,’ ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ in a three second period. Movie, have you gone raunchy?

00:15:34 – “Welcome to God’s Country,” says a goony looking nerd in a yellow flannel print shirt.

00:15:40 – Damn, boy. You’re already six feet tall and look like a damn ostrich. Why make yourself look any more gross by wearing shorts that don’t pass your thigh and penny loafers? I think we found this movie’s virgin.

00:15:54 – Ah, so this is Ted. Very friendly and touchy feely.

00:16:01 – Corn. And teenagers. Possibly, children, you might say.

00:16:18 – “…if we survive.” “If we survive?” You’re not going to survive.

00:16:37 – “…so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.” Ted, when you die, I won’t mourn.

00:16:45 – A log in the middle of the road ends Ted’s Comedy Hour and I’m sure the ‘Wrong Turn’ franchise ripped off.

00:16:55 – Hell, any movie that involves people driving.

00:17:01 – “This place is spooky.” Clearly someone didn’t grow in the rural northeast. That place isn’t spooky – it’s BORING.

00:17:29 – Sandra walks into the woods, finds the ‘Camp Crystal Lake’ sign that props forgot to bring back with them when they wrapped up the last movie.

00:17:35 – “Camp Blood?” CAMP! BLOOD!

00:17:55 – Jason must have a magic ability to hide when he’s standing merely three feet away from a person.

00:18:09 – A shot of a sign you just saw thirty seconds ago, in case you forgot it already…

00:18:11 – …and some blonde dude with his shirt half-opened is ringing a bell.

00:18:40 – In one shot, we have Guy in a wheelchair, Good natured Chick without a bra on and Nerd playing ancient hand-held game. It’s like a Movie Monster’s Box of Chocolates here.

00:18:45 – Not to be outdone by some girl in a redshirt, we now go to This Movie’s Sexpot as she frolics about the forest in half-shirt and jean shorts

00:18:50 – But what’s this? A killer stalking our sexkitten? And with a booty-shot to boot, with our girl competing for this movie’s ‘Jeannine Taylor Award.

00:18:54 – A slingshot? Is this Jason or Dennis the Menace?

00:19:00 – Oh, to be a hand upon that cheek – speaking of which, the rock hit her right cheek but she grabs her left. I shouldn’t be complaining about this because after all, it’s a fine ass but c’mon.

00:19:03 – Open black shirt, stunning jaw and tight jeans all help convey the “Hi, I’m a sexy douchebag’ look he gives the girl.

00:19:04 – And she tilts her head to say ‘OH, you. Objectifying me again.

00:19:06 – The wink of a dickhead. 1981 – where boys could still throw rocks at girls.

00:19:26 – Senior Counselor calls everyone together and half-shirt, bootylicious Vicky is seen holding an annoying small dog before Paris did. Of course, it’s the eighties so everything is big – even the small dog.

00:19:29 – Dickhead is named Scott and King High Bullshit seems to eye him with weird aversion, as if Scott tried to rape him once. Or, wanted Scott to rape him.

00:19:42 – I never considered Camp Counselor a ‘gravy job.’ More unhygienic and dull.

00:19:45Duh-duh-nuh-nuh-nah. Nah, it’s just Ralph.

00:19:56 – Ralph ponders if it’s worth revealing their fate, but arrogantly, the car drives on.

00:20:02 – We know what you’re thinking, Ralph. We know.

00:20:11 – THIS IS YOUR 1981 CLASS OF CRYSTAL LAKE.

00:20:21 – “What the hell?” NO ONE INTERRUPTS MY ORIENTATION SPEECH – NO ONE!

00:20:25 – Love Bug, more like a Suck Bug. HIGH FIVE!

00:20:35 – “I’m late!” she says.  His response? “Ain’t mine!”

00:20:37 – Everyone holds in silence under awe of the DISCIPLINARY OFFICE HOUSE.

00:20:46 – Seeing a couple take their fights off out of sight from the kids makes me nostalgic for the Strange Family Summer Barbecue. Actually, scratch that.

00:20:57 – “I said I was sorry,” says Ginny in a way that Shakespeare once described as “total bullshit.”

00:21:09 – “I tried but your phones aren’t even working yet.” So bizarre how the lack of a phone factors into the horror movie. Like second only to the knife your killer wields.

00:21:23 – “I promise I’ll never be late again in my entire life.” Menopause sets in early at the Ginny household.

00:21:30 – The look says ‘no more wrapping it up for me.’ And so ends the Ginny’s Barren Vagina joke fest.

00:22:00 – “This place is starting to look like a Burger King.” Teenagers? Check. Uninsured staff? Check. Chances of catching a disease? Check. Creepy Mascot most people are afraid of? Double check.

00:22:12 – “Axes, knives, lanterns, saws – they can all be trouble.” They can also be fun!

00:22:29 – WE CAN’T STOP HERE! THIS IS BEAR COUNTRY!

00:22:40 – “Women, don’t wear perfume.” This is the set-up…

00:22:44 – “And keep clean through your menstrual cycle.” …and that’s the punch-line, delivered by a guy who has know clue to what it is.

00:22:49 – PAUL OUT OF NOWHERE seriously, dude. Wear a bell.

00:22:56 – Like the back of a Volkswagen?

00:23:02WAH WAH WAAAAAAH

00:23:15 – “You’re such a sucker for it.” I suspect in Reagan’s America, Paul backhanded her and oppressed the minority student while funding drug-running contras in El Salvador and Nicaragua .

00:23:22 – When you’re sitting around a campfire and you say, “I don’t want to scare anyone,” you’re going to scare someone. It’s like saying “I hope it doesn’t rain” or “What’s the worst that can happen?” or “I’m sure I don’t have herpes.”

00:23:28 – “I’m gonna give it straight to you about Jason.” BULL-SHIT this motherfucker don’t know SHIT about me.

00:23:45 – “Some demented creature, surviving in the wilderness, full grown by now.” And that boy grew up to be Ted Nugent. I’m Paul Harvey. Good-DAY.

00:24:30 – His storytelling is engrossing. And by that, I mean ‘totally boring, Paul.’

00:24:38 – “A revenge he will continue to seek if anyone enters his wilderness again.” GET OFF MAH PROPERTY.

00:24:52 – So if the first movie happened in 1980 (“Present Day”), this second movie happened five years and later in 1985. Which was four years in the future of the movie’s release date in 1981. Got that? No? Don’t worry. It doesn’t mean a goddamn thing to the plot.

00:25:02 – HOLY SHIT IT’S A MONSTER Oh wait, it’s that fucker Jeff. Looking positively Vinnie Barbarino there, fucko

00:25:19 – This would be frightening if I wasn’t slightly comatose.

00:25:19 – More frightening than his mask? Ted without a shirt on. I think I’m going to be sick.

00:25:39 – “I don’t want to hear anymore about it. That’s ancient history.” Ass, you’re the one who brought it up!

00:25:49 – “Second act needs work.” Majoring in Child Psychology with a Snide Bitchery Minor.

00:25:53 – Ted sticks his tongue out at the mask, not like he ISN’T going to make out with that thing once everyone’s asleep. Poor boy’s desperate.

00:26:11 – I’d make the whole ‘upper body strength to overcompensate for my dead legs’ joke about the wheelchair guy but ‘Family Guy’ already did and it wasn’t that funny of a joke in the first place.

00:26:14 – Oh damn, son! Dude just popped his collar. Shit’s on!

00:26:24 It’s too horrible! I b’lieve de muthafucker ’bout to ask dat rubber girl to dance!

00:27:00 – Paul can’t win at anything. Cars. Chess. Life.

00:27:16 – Electronical Wizard? I love those guys! I saw them at the Bell House with Crystal Stilts and Everful the Range.

00:27:30 – It’s the ‘we kinda want to fuck so we’re pretending to dance’ dance!

00:27:50 – “I just gotta see that place.” You know those women who write to serial killers? This girl would be one of them if she wasn’t probably going to die in thirty minutes.

00:28:25 – I’m expecting a horror when Ginny walks into her unlit cabin and I’m treated to her taking off her shirt. I don’t know if I got what I was expecting or not.

00:29:00 – Wait for it…

00:29:12 – …oh, drat. Only Paul.

00:29:34 – Snappy shoes. Jason doesn’t wear snappy shoes!

00:30:02 – I knew it was Ralph! RALPH EQUALS SNAPPY!

00:30:11 – Ralph does not approve!

00:30:19 – “There’s something I think I should tell you.” Holy shit, IS she pregnant?

00:30:25 – Ralph – NO! NOT RALPH! NOOOOOOO! Movie, how could you do that to me? To RALPH.

00:30:34 – You think you can white-out the only likable character for the past two movies so easily like that, Movie? Damn you and your cold heart.

00:30:48 – Beware of Bears. Yogi’s one mean bastard.

00:31:00 – Want to play ‘What are you running from?’ I say Ginny’s Running From…her constant pain when Paul loves her and leaves her.

00:31:12 – Hey! Why you gotta be a’flippin off-a the cripple? It’sa me! Mario!

00:31:20 – Jason’s breathing through his mouth and YOU WOULD TOO if you had his allergies. Ragweed is hell around Camp Blood.

00:31:45 – Got to admit that after the first’s movie cast being whiter than the audience at a Cake concert, this turnaround would be welcomed if it didn’t feel like ‘Up with Diversity.’ Nerd girl! Cripple guy! Black dude! Slut! Gay guy (you can guess which one is that.)

00:32:00 – And here we see the wild Voorhees select a candidate from out of the herd. Mating ritual,

00:32:07 – And your little dog, too!

00:32:20 – Awwwww. He made a friend!

00:32:24 – From dog to hot dog. Inappropriate edit, or the MOST appropriate.

00:32:30 – I’m not one to tell another person how to do your job but you’re supposed to be fifty-yards away from the group when operating a chainsaw. Safety first!

00:32:40 – I don’t trust any food cooked by a nerd in tube socks.

00:32:47 – Terry a.k.a. Sexpot McNoBra continues to show skin, wearing the confounding outfit of a long sleeved shirt over short-shorts. It’s like half of her is off message.

00:33:22 – Girl’s possessive of her chainsaw, keeping it in the closet right next to her shoes and butane torch.

00:33:34 – Woooo, beach scene. We got to get the Skin Quota up. We’re a third into this movie and Nipples sin Underwire can’t do all the work herself.

00:34:00 – Sandra has a hardon for seeing Camp Blood and her boy has a hardon for seeing her in that bikini top. Got the bull by the horn, I would say.

00:34:25 – Dude’s thinking ‘We could be having sex instead of doing this.’ I think EVERY dude is thinking that, RIGHT NOW.

00:34:36 – Mark looks scornfully at the water, cursing his feeble legs.

00:34:52 – I was too busy distracted at Ted’s Plan 9 Saucer Helmet to hear his fecal-related joke. I think I didn’t miss much.

00:35:00 – John Travolta and Janis Joplin go walking through the woods. Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

00:35:27 – Apparently, these two kids are severely blind not to see the six-foot tall serial killer standing behind the tree.

00:35:55 – I’m expecting a landmine here but I guess I’m supposed to think LOOK OUT HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU when I’m really thinking KILL THE BASTARDS. Strange Jason, your priorities are severely skewed.

00:36:04 – Those don’t look steel-toed to me.

00:36:14 – Them’s good eatin’!

00:36:26 – Jeeze, is everyone in this movie a damn silent ninja?

00:37:16 – “No punishment? What kind of place is this?” I don’t want to see this man’s basement or his secret ‘fun room.’

00:37:39 – “As far as I’m concerned, we didn’t see a thing.” Jesus saw, son. Jesus saw everything.

00:37:49 – And he follows it up with the most awkward attempt at skipping a stone.

00:38:00 – He’s not stopping because it’s Jason. He just hates joggers.

00:38:15 – OVERWEIGHT COUNTY SHERIFF! ON THE BEAT!

00:38:45 – For hauling twenty pounds of pasta and beer around his belly, that cop is ginger on his feet.

00:39:00 – I could make a joke that “the only time he ran like this was after an ice cream truck” but I don’t want to be hurtful. Yeah, he’s a cop but this is a bizarro universe where the assholes are probably nice guys and all the kids you’re supposed to relate with are really annoying pricks.

00:39:25 – Casa del Jason. Amazing what you can do with driftwood these days.

00:39:55 – Looks like some places in the French Quarter down in NOLA.

00:40:23 – NOT the worst toilet I’ve ever seen, I am sad to say.

00:40:25 – It’s clear this cop isn’t that smart or he would have called for backup or not gone into the shack by himself, so it’s hard to hate on a dumb guy who just wants the kids not to play around the serial killers.

00:40:50 – Cop just found Jason’s porno stash and I can’t blame him for that shocked look on his face. It’s just a shame that Jason is so territorial…

00:40:55 – …because Cop gets a CLAW HAMMER to the back of the skull. NICE!

00:40:57 – Just when things get interesting, we cut back to Packanack Lodge. That’s not a joke – that’s what they called it. I can’t think of anything witty to say because I keep nodding out.

00:41:15 – Green turtleneck under a chestnut flannel, both tucked into pants held together by a knit belt. Paul, you are the fashionista of suck.

00:41:21 – OW! GODDAMN, GIRL! You nearly poked my eyes out with those nipples, jeeze!

00:41:35 – “I’m pretty tired. I think I’ll stick around too.” I’m pretty tired and we’ve got forty more minutes left.

00:41:44 – The Mary-Anne to the slutty Ginger is eyefucking the guy in the wheelchair while he pokes at his lasagna.

00:42:10 – Last time I saw a back of a pickup filled with so many bodies, it meant six hours of overtime on a holiday weekend.

00:42:20 – “I’m going for a walk!” she says as everyone leaves. A bit anti-social, this girl who never dresses in a full shirt.

00:42:25 – Despite (or in spite) of being a total dick, Jeff the fake Travolta is a patriotic man who knows how to roll his own (country’s flag.)

00:42:45 – Who knows when this movie will end? The Shadow knows.

00:43:00 – Paul, you outta die.

00:43:33 – She goes off to ponder the nature of the wet t-shirt contests her life holds for her, calling out the name of her beloved ‘Muffin’ before we get taken to another movie – the classic ‘Road House,’ starring Terry Funk.

00:44:00 – As if there was any doubt, she finally gets naked, stripping away, her clothing to go swimming. Why she didn’t bother with a swimsuit, underwear or common sense is like questioning the flight pattern of the butterfly.

00:44:45 – Two men going at it while the girls sit back and watch. It’s not porn, but arm wrestling.

00:45:10 – Janis makes an innuendo worse than the one I just made and it’s followed by one even worse than that. “Wrestle.” “Take me on.”

00:45:45 – “The one with the puck. “Position.” JUST FUCK ALREADY. OR DIE. EITHER WAY. DO SOMETHING.

00:45:52 – The movie tries to keep me watching by offering me a chance to bob for apples.

00:46:21 – This girl picked an odd time to develop some modesty.

00:46:31 – “Looking for something?” says Scott, practically impish. He Hansels and Gretels a trail of clothes for her to follow, leaving her pants first. He laughs and is pretty much an asshole.

00:47:00 – And for some reason, Scott walks into a bear-trap. Like, rope-tree-Bugs Bunny-type bear trap. I have never seen in real life.
00:47:27 – She literally leaves him hanging. 
00:47:41 – Here, you take this! 
00:48:00 – You’ll swing where the little birdies sing!
00:48:28 – FINALLY the horror movie starts again. And just like that, it’s back to the exciting SEARCH for a Swiss Army knife! 
00:49:10 – With knife found, Terry returns to find Scott’s throat acting like a dead pig in the Upper Peninsula. She runs and screams and is never seen again. Seriously. 
00:49:14 – But it’s TIME TO PARTY back to the bar ROCK AND ROLL good times.
00:49:50 – I know I’m in a bad way. I was just thinking “Man, it would be better if that was Clive Barker playing that crappy bar music instead.” 
00:50:04 – Ted hits on a waitress. The crowd laughs. I drink.
00:50:28 – “Some girl panics and falls out of a canoe.” Ted. There were bodies. Like, six of them.
00:50:32 – “What if there is a Jason?” He’d be getting another beer right now.
00:50:45 – “Some kind of out-of-control psychopath? A frightened retard? A child trapped in a man’s body?” I love it when Ginny talks sexy.
00:51:25 – “He must have seen his mother get killed. All because she loved him.” There was also the killing WHY IS EVERYONE FORGETTING THE KILLING?
00:51:35 – Ginny would so be writing to Gacy if he was still alive. Maybe she and Sandra write their love letters to death row together? 
00:51:53 – “What do you think?” I think you should GET ON WITH IT! 
00:52:11 – “Jason’s a legend, Ginny. A legend.” Fuck right, I am.
00:52:26 – In one room, we have a couple making out and getting ready to screw; in another, a couple playing video games. It’s like your first year at college all over again.
00:53:00 – Mark wistfully watches, remembering at time when he could use stairs. 
00:53:10 – Since we’re going to talk about murder and paraplegics, I suggest you check out ‘Murderball’ for an enlightening look into the world of para and quadriplegic rugby. One of the better movies out there. 
00:54:40 – We have Weed and games. First monopoly. Then handhelds. Maybe this is a theme?
00:53:48 – Jeff somberly blows his own horn.
00:54:32 – What’s the term for someone who chases guys in wheelchairs? Parking Spot Sluts? Wheeled Women in Heat?

00:55:51 – I was going to say ‘Who brings sexy underwear to a summer camp?’ and then I realized, ‘Son, these are horny-ass teenagers. Everyone does.’

00:56:29 – She switched the black cotton for the earth-tone satin and I can’t really get behind that decision to go outside while not wearing any pants, girl.

00:56:57 – Wait, didn’t Paul say ‘we only have two cars?’ Where’d that damn Datsun come from?

00:57:29 – And here comes the rain.

00:57:51 – Mark hears thunder and think it’s Vicki. Along with being crippled, Mark’s a dumb motherfucker.

00:58:30 – All that extra upper body strength didn’t do shit for that MACHETE TO THE FACE.

00:58:35 – Adding injury to insult/death, Mark gets defeated by his old enemy – stairs.

00:58:50 – THEY WERE MAKING LOVE!

00:59:30 – Wait. Is that a real spear? Why the hell would they have a real spear?

01:00:03 – Not only is it a real spear, it can be used to impale not just two bodies but all the way through a mattress as well. And you had TED HOLDING THAT THING?

01:00:15 – Speaking of which, we’re back to Ted, Paul and Ginny and I can’t believe it, but Ted might make it out alive. What…what a shame.

01:01:16 – I spoke too soon. Seems Ted’s an alcoholic. If Jason doesn’t get him, advanced liver failure will.

01:02:05 – Vickie goes to check up on Sandra and Jeff…

01:02:22 – …only to find JASON with BAG ON HIS HEAD. Bag it and tag it, Vickie.

01:02:37 – Awwwwwww. His Mommy gave him that knife.

01:02:50 – Girl, you’re supposed to RUN. Not linger for enough time so the Camera can focus on the back of the blade.

01:03:30 – Hey Joe. Where you goin’ with that corpse in your hand?

01:03:50 – “Think something’s wrong?” Ginny asks, unaware that there’s twenty minutes left. Wrong happened half an hour ago, hon.

01:04:11 – Blood on the sheets. I’d make another menstrual joke but damn if there haven’t been enough already.

01:05:04 – Ginny goes all The Shining on us with “There’s someone in this room.” And there you have it, Jason with a Spear and Overalls. OVERALLS. The fuck is up with overalls in this movie?

01:05:30 – Ginny is completely useless as she watches Jason kill off Paul without offering to help. Jeeze.

01:06:02 – Jason seems rather good at defenestration. The man threw his arm through that window like a pro.

01:07:05 – PITCHFORK!

01:07:12 – RALPH! STILL IN THE PANTRY. Man. Continuity! Love it.

01:07:43 – And of course, the VW Bug doesn’t work.

01:08:08 – Regret going for the convertible NOW, don’t you, honey?

01:08:45 – Did she – SHE DID – she just kicked Jason in the nuts! HOLY SMOKES bad form DIRTY POOL.

01:09:43 – Shame Crystal Lake doesn’t have an American football team. Nice tackle there, J. Shame you missed.

01:10:01 – Man, I don’t even know where we are.

01:11:15 – The Rats are coming – JASON IS HERE.

01:11:31 – That’s probably the grossest and most accurate thing to happen through this entire movie.

01:12:14 – Oh. We’re back in Ginny’s cabin. She busts out that chainsaw….and breaks a chair over him? Instead of using the chainsaw…she already had going?

01:12:41 – And she runs off into the woods. Familiar mud puddle.

01:13:24 – Jason’s shack is easier to find than a Starbucks in a college town.

01:13:31 – What? Jason’s coming up behind you? Maybe not using that chainsaw was HOLY CRAP WHAT IS wait is that Mama V?

01:13:38 – IT IS.

01:14:05 – Can’t say you aged well, Pamela.

01:14:42 – Yeah, I’m also confused, Jason.

01:14:50 – Oh. We’ve gone back into Creepytown. Is this why you’ve harped on Child Psychology, Movie? That she’s using it to somehow make her look like Betsy Palmer to confuse him? Weak.

01:15:11 – For a moment, Jason wasn’t having ANY OF IT and I was happy.

01:15:57 – Look at that eye. Could you kill an eye like that?

01:16:04 – Apparently, Ginny can’t. She tried, anyway – Oh, hey Terry!

01:16:09 – And Paul’s still alive! Shit.

01:16:30 – Why don’t you HELP HIM, Ginny?

01:16:45 – Slo-Motion. Machete. C’mon, Movie. I get it. ‘Just like the first movie.’

01:17:03 – But, unlike Alice, Ginny doesn’t go for the clean cut, instead embedding the blade four inches into Jason’s shoulder. Poor guy has to die like a sucker, too. He kinda shrugs and goes ‘I’ve had worse.’

01:17:17 – Hey, thanks for finally helping me out back there, Ginny.

01:17:30 – The sack comes off and…we don’t get to see. LAME.

01:18:20 – Movie’s winding down. Sad horns are blowing and Ginny’s finally letting herself cry. Of course, she has a gash in her leg the size of Hope, NJ.

01:19:01 – BUT it’s not over! Someone’s at the door.

01:20:00 – It’s MUFFIN! MUFFIN! (laugh track)

01:20:16 – Awwww. Such a sweet ending…

01:20:21 – HEY YOU GUYS! In through the window.

01:20:29 – Well, there’s out boy. Bad teeth. Overalls. Poor hair. Kind of messed up side of the head. Not too bad, though. Last time we saw him, he was naked and half rotten so this is a step up.

01:20:39 – Yep. Show off the deformity – that’s nice.

01:20:52 – White out! and it was allllll a dream – OR WAS IT?

01:21:00 – Ginny gets loaded up into an ambulance and our last memory is the Vorhees household, dead bodies surrounding the still burning candles of sweet Mama V’s decapitated head.

01:21:40 – FADE OUT! ROLL CREDITS!

01:21:52 – AMY “nerves of” STEEL! John “Blizzard” Furey! Adrienne “Ten Minutes of Heaven” King! Kristen “Miss Jeannine Taylor ’81” Baker and Stu “I didn’t die!” Charno. With Warrington Gillete as your Jason and Walt Gorney as Crazy Ralph, RIP. Heaven must needed another angel!

Wrap Up: Okay, this one was pretty rough to get through. And why? Probably because I think the movie didn’t want me to be sober through most of it. Also, I didn’t have a date to distract me from the parts when this movie forgot to be a horror movie and tried to be a romantic teen comedy.

The horror bits were good – the effects nice, the drama of the chase was good. But there was too much filler, especially since half the cast fucked off sometime in the middle of the movie and had no real value to the whole thing. We still came down to a handful of corpses at the end of the day, a ‘is it or isn’t it?’ ending and me with a couple empty bottles .

In comparison, I can see how the first movie was better because despite being as long as the second, the original went by much quicker. But when you have a blockbuster movie to follow up with a sequel, you can’t really deviate from it. Why slice open the goose laying the golden eggs?

Strange Trip: Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th was released on May 9th, 1980 and with that, our boy Jason turned thirty this year. Three decades of Jason and a lot can be said about him, his mother and the whole franchise.

But really, I’m not the one to say it. Truth be told, I haven’t seen every single movie. Butt his is the era of the Internet, where it takes an afternoon on Wikipedia or X-Entertainment and you can know all the important details about any major franchise of the last two decades.

But, I’ll admit that is a bad excuse. If I was Catholic, I see it as admitting not knowing who the hell that Ratzinger fuck is, just feigning knowledge as “Oh yeah, the guy in the hat, right? Sure thing.”

And this is the 30th Anniversary (the Pearl anniversary) and I feel that I owe it to the Voorhees clan to actually sit down and watch all these goddamn movies. For Jason, THE Jason.

Welcome to this Trip Report. A Strange Trip. A undead (not live) blog of our fond Summers away at Camp Crystal Lake, Manhattan, Hell and beyond. 2010 eyes here, and admittedly, without an extensive knowledge going into this. If this is a train wreck, then I promise as many casualties as possible. If you’re reading this, you’re probably a horror fiend so you like a little gore. Let’s get bloody and down to business, shall we?

FRIDAY THE 13TH

ORIGINAL RELEASE: MAY 09, 1980

00:00:00 – Start.

00:00:02 – And here we go. Warner Brothers Pictures/AOL Time Warner. Already, we’re starting in on the scary shit.

00:00:17 – “A Sean S. Cunningham Film.” Wonder whatever happened to that guy?

00:00:23 – Moonlight over Vermont. Affected everybody.

00:00:43 – ‘Camp Crystal Lake, 1958.’ Sounds like a start to a dirty lyrmick. ‘Once at Camp Crystal Lake, back then in 1958…’

00:01:05 – A group of kids sing campfire songs and already, I can see why they all deserve to die.

00:01:10 – And there it is, folks. The first ‘Kiii-kiii..maa-maa…”

00:01:13 – Philip Glass would make a career out of those three seconds.

00:01:50 – As the first person POV stalks the sleeping campers, a sight of a Ever-Ready Casting Set is seen in the background. A subtle commentary on the disposable casting practicies of horror movies or some kind of ambiance to give the impression that these would-be-corpses are model nerds? You decide.

00:02:11 – Bible songs, no less. They’re single Bible Campfire songs.

00:02:17 – Blonde dude I’ll call Ted (ed. Character name Barry) decides to eyefuck the guitar player. And his fate is sealed. Should have listened to the songs, Ted. Jesus will save you.

00:02:24 – Guitar girl Shannon (ed. Character name Claudette –wait, Claudette? Really?) mouths something I can’t catch. Can only imagine she wants to go, but go WHERE?

00:02:46 – “Somebody will see,” protests Shannon. (ed. Claudette, but who cares? She’s dead in two minutes – spoiler alert!) You’re right. Jesus will. Jesus sees all.

00:03:05 – Shannon’s idea of protection is throwing a rug down on the ground before she fucks.

00:03:27 – Yellow Polos. Navy Blue canvas shorts. White belts. These kids will die for their fashion crimes, along with their sins.

00:04:13 – About seven seconds of lingering gives of  ‘creepy voyeur’ instead of a ‘calculating predator’ vibe. Five seconds tops, kids. Anymore and you’re playing with yourself.

00:04:27 – And Ted is dead. DEAD TEDS. The first victim in a long line.  (ed. If ever you need to answer a trivia game, the first victim was named Barry. Ignore Strange Jason.)

00:04:41 – Maybe it’s the thirty years since this movie but damned if I wouldn’t think anyone would be more ingenious than Shannon here in evading a killer. Tossing cardboard boxes? C’mon, girl.

00:04:55FREEZE FRAME

00:05:01 – Hey Movie? If your bills are due on Monday the 16th, when’s the last day you should you put the check in the mail? Thank you, Movie.

00:05:06 – Movie! You’re going to have to pay for that window.

00:05:32 – Tom Savini! Mad respect to you, guy. Did you know he runs a special effects/make-up school?

00:05:16 – Harry Manfredini, also known as John Philip Sousa’s drunk and rebellious cousin, scores the opening credits with music to make any High School Band scream in terror.

00:05:57 – Written by Victor Miller.

00:06:05 – Sean Cunningham, not to be confused with Chris Cunningham (though the latter is just as responsible for scaring the hell out of generations. Madonna’s ‘Frozen?’ Gave me nightmares for weeks.)

00:06:16 – ‘Friday June 13th – The Present’ Not MY Present.

00:06:30 – 6/13/80 was indeed a Friday the 13th. How many 6/13s have been on Fridays since then?

00:06:55 – Backpack girl goes to pet a dog. Thrilling.

00:07:30 – Big Dave on the radio tells us it’s ‘Black Cat Day’ in Crystal Lake. I’ve never heard of Fri.13th referred to that. Have you, bud?

00:07:39 – Strange, but I think I used to live in this town.

00:07:43 – Nah, the cro-magnum sweeping the floor of OUR diner had red hair. Must be the town next over.

00:07:57 – ‘Camp Blood? They’re opening that place again?’ “CAMP! BLOOD!

00:08:23 – Two things I’ve seen in this movie that they don’t make anymore – payphones and guys named Enos.

00:08:33 – RALPH! My favorite character in the movie so far.

00:08:42 – ‘It’s got a death curse!’ If only they listened, Ralph. If only they listened.

00:08:44 – And we see that Camp Crystal Lake is in New Jersey. Huh. I never knew. Anyone ever tried calling the number (347-1063) on Enis’s truck? It’s located in Stanhope.

00:09:00 – He rocks a vest, an old hat and rides a fixed gear bike. Ralph from Friday the 13th was the original Williamsburgh Hipster.

00:09:10 – So, New Jersey gave us The Misfits, Jason Voorhees and The Toxic Avenger. Way to go, Garden State!

00:09:35 – I can tell Enos is trying to find a way to bring the ‘ass, gas or grass’ conversation up in a way that results in ‘ass.’

00:09:59 – Ah, the innocence of thirty years ago. Today, Camp Crystal Lake wouldn’t open due to lawsuits, protests and half a billion (664,000) Google hits.

00:10:00 – HOLY SHIT there’s an actual CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE it’s in Ganesville, Florida. Do they sell t-shirts? Shit. Someone want to send us some?

00:10:31 – Thirty years ago, a boy drowning followed by two kids dying would close a place down. Today? It’s a considered a good summer working at Disneyworld.

00:11:02 – Remind me, was “You’re an American Original” some advertising slogan back then because Annie saying that to Enos is pretty damn odd.

00:11:39 – After the solemn exchange of goods for services, Enos lets off Annie in front of Moravian Cemetery, Hope, NJ (so Camp Crystal Lake is in Hope, NJ?)

00:11:40 – Wait, there’s a place called Hope, NJ?!?

00:11:42 – Does this mean Jason is the Man from Hope? SO he voted for Clinton? And then for Obama?

00:12:00 – For a moment, I thought Enos had put on some banjo music but it seems every fucker in this movie drives a red truck.

00:12:10 – 1) Fuck, is that Kevin Bacon? 2) Fuck, that IS Kevin Bacon.

00:12:20 – The banjo music is amplified to cover up the awkward sounds of Kevin Bacon getting a handjob. That should be a new indie band name – The Kevin Bacon Handjob.

00:13:07 – Our first shot of Steve – Cutoff jeans. Hiking boots. Red bandanna around his neck. Glasses. Bare chested. A mustache to make Johnny Holmes say ‘Too much.’ Movie, do you want me to think Steve’s gay?

00:13:34 – Alice arrives with broom and bucket. What is good for? Two tears.

00:13:50 – Alice is kind of butch. But cute.

00:14:10 – Steve is still without a shirt. The man must have an agenda.

00:14:35 – Things Steve likes: flipping through a private sketchbook. Things Steve hates: polos.

00:14:45 – “You draw very well,” says Steve, the look of a sociopath on his face.

00:15:03 – “Do I really look like that?” “You did last night,” she said. LIES. THAT PICTURE HAS STEVE WEARING A SHIRT.

00:15:18 – “You’re very talented.” No reaction. “You’re very pretty.” Again, nothing. A sad day in Mudville. Mighty Steve has struck out.

00:15:26 – “Is there any reason?” “It’s just a problem I have. It’s nothing personal.” Did Alice just say she was gay? Am I not thinking it?

00:15:36 – “…go back to California to straighten something out.” Straight? California? SCANDAL!

00:15:55 – “I’ll put you on the bus myself.” And thus, you doomed her, Steve. She could be resolving her wild youth in San Fransisco or someplace on Venice but instead, she’s learning how NOT to die in New Jersey.

00:16:30 – Alice goes romping through the woods to find Bill in white painter pants and red suspenders. Methinks Bill’s a Nazi, but he doesn’t need to worry. There’s only white folk in this movie.

00:16:38 – “I don’t know if I’m gonna last all week.” If only you knew, Alice.

00:16:55 – Why is Steve sad? is it because HOLY SHIT HE’S WEARING A SHIRT. Awwww. Poor Steve.

00:17:02 – Get Annie in the Kitchen! And get her shoes off! And somebody, knock her up! Neddy! Quit dry humping that tree!

00:17:17 – “He neglected to mention that downtown, they call this place ‘Camp Blood.'” CAMP! BLOOD!

00:17:50 – Shot archery on one of those targerts (one like it) during my summer camp years. Never got killed off by someone wearing a mask. Did bust open a glow-stick and had a neon hand for about fifteen minutes.

00:17:52 – Nice GI Joe Laser fire sound.

00:18:04 – This is a perfect time for a good F-bomb but I guess you can’t say “Fuck,” can you, Movie?

00:18:10 – Is that a Bogart impression? No wonder this fuck can’t get laid.

00:18:30 – Annie’s gone hitchhiking. Always a good idea.

00:19:40 – Annie, better get your gun.

00:20:00 – Nice roll, Annie. Run!

00:20:25 – We go a bit Evil Dead-ish here, which is kind of wrong to say; more like Evil Dead went F13th but who is known more for the POV-shot in the woods?

00:21:25 – After making as far as she can with a bum leg and a poor business decision, our girl Annie gets ripped a new breathing whole. Pretty gross, which is why we give kudos to Tom Savini. Grossing people out thirty years later.

00:21:30 – FADE TO BLACK WHITE!

00:21:46 – Hard to believe it’s taken us twenty minutes to get to some skin in this movie (outside of Steve and Bill.)

00:21:58 – And it’s over. And Kevin Bacon had the most revealing outfit on.

00:22:17 – Killer has a ring on, or Steve likes to jerk off while wearing his Class Ring. Wouldn’t be surprised.

00:23:03 – FUCK. KEVIN BACON BONER. Christ. I need the bleach now. For my eyes and to DRINK.

00:23:16 – Bacon Belly Flop. You can hear his skin thud against the water. Fucking karma for the Kevin Bacon Boner (another Indie band name.)

00:24:10 – In what everyone could see coming, Ned’s drowning was a trap to get some tongue. These days, he could just use craigslist and spend a hundred bucks. Oh, the Internet. God bless you.

00:24:45 – Alice shocked by a snake while she wears her bathrobe. Not as dirty as it sounds.

00:24:50 – Alice looks rather Ringwaldish.

00:25:55 – ‘The sssssuprising first victim of a machete in the Friday the 13th franchise.” What is a black snake?”

00:26:00 – I hate snakes and I hate PETA but I’d be sad to find out they really killed a snake for this stupid scene.

00:26:30 – We get a cop on a bike and a dick in a headdress. And our first swear? “Oh shit?”

00:27:30 – Everyone talking about Ralph. He’s Poochie of this movie.

00:28:41 – Alice in another outfit. Girl’s the Cher of this movie.

00:28:52 – RALPH! In the closet! Or pantry! He’s a messenger of god and PORKNBEANS.

00:29:55 – And that’s RALPH! (Applause)

00:30:51 – Bill in red suspenders and Ned in a #88 Jersey. Someone could easily write a thesis about how Jason represents the backlash against the predicted white yuppie hell of Regan’s America, though the movie came out six months before the election.

00:31:24 – “What had God wroth?” asks Marcie. Hey, Ralph is god’s messenger, lady.

00:32:18 – Neddy’s covets Marcie, and his death is quick thereafter.

00:34:14 – “And then, the rain turns to blood.” RAINING BLOOD, FROM A LACERATED SKY.

00:34:33 – Movie, your scene with the most sincere emotional material involves a dream where it’s raining blood. And I go and ruin it with a Slayer reference.

00:34:51 – We must remember that filmmaking is a process of happy accidents. A lot of the secondary film shots are often from luck. In this case, a real storm moving in. This is what I think about during your slower parts, Movie.

00:35:25 – Bacon and Marcie decide to contaminate samples under a half moon. If anything, this movie serves to show that Jeannine Taylor once had a really fine ass.

00:36:13 – Bacon grunts like his career, fizzling out too early and awkwardly hanging around for too long.

00:36:40 – Bill does his best Charro impersonation, not by playing guitar but by appearing on The Love Boat fifty thousand times. Cuchi-cuchi!

00:37:12 – The ugly head of product placement unveils itself unto the movie as Parker Brothers attempts to liven up an old chesnut through the introduction of ‘Strip’ Monopoly.

00:37:15 – Strip Monopoly. Where you lose your home and the shirt off your back.

00:37:32 – Marijuna and Strip Monopoly? A little game we call ‘Weed and Greed,’ son.

00:37:38 – Sexytime for all the couples in the audience. Bow-chicka-wahwwahw. I get to do my best Blake Schwarzenbach here.

00:38:15 – Not content to give us the Bacon Boner, we get the Bacon Backdoor. Half Moon. Damn you, Movie.

00:38:32 – Does it count as a threesome if one person is dead? I guess it depends on who you ask. Better luck next time, Neddy.

00:38:35 – “Hey baby. Want to screw under a corpse?” Not the worst pick-up line out there, sad to say.

00:40:00 – Thirty years ago, Budwiser bottles looked like Red Stripe. I would drink Bud over Red Stripe. Sorry, Hipsters and Jamacians.

00:41:00 – Movie’s starting to lag, right. Watching Kevin Bacon smoke a joint and suddenly BAM! Hand from under the bed and another throat slit. A lot of throats cut in this movie.

00:41:20 – Remember when YOMANK used to be a popular abbreviation? No? GTFO.

00:42:00 – Campground outhouses are horrible when it rains. Girl shouldn’t be in there without shoes on.

00:44:56 – AXE TO THE FOREHEAD. Isn’t that a Cannibal Corpse song? Gotta be. No? Well, have a shitty Cannibal Corpse knockoff.

00:45:17 – Back to Stripping, to confuse a generation with the reinforcement of sex after violence. And back to one of the most unattractive bras out there.

00:45:45 – “Well, we’re going to have to finish this game some other night – just when it was getting interesting.” Alluding to the fact that Alice was about to strip, Brenda outs herself as a bisexual. I notice I’m suspecting everyone of either homosexuality or racial hatred. I blame the evening news.

00:46:22 – Where’s Steve been, you ask? Drinking coffee in a Diner. Shirts must be Steve’s kryptonite or the equivalent of cutting off Samson’s hair. ‘If you shirt a Steve, his powers leave.’

00:47:30 – Made for just over half a million dollars because water is cheap. I take back what I wrote about ‘happy accidents.’

00:48:13 – Tomahawk Lake was thirteen miles down the road from Crystal Lake. Was there ever a movie made about that place, attempting to capitalize on the ‘neighbor to Jason’ idea?

00:48:21 – Not to be discouraged at her failed attempt to a bisexual threesome with Lesbian Alice and Bill the Nazi, Bisexual Brenda maintains proper hygeine by brushing her teeth in the place where her friend Marcie decided she needed to breathe through her forehead. Moral of the story, kids? Don’t brush your teeth. OR YOU WILL BE MURDERED.

00:50:09 – Thirty years ago, Jeeps were worthless in horror movies. Does that stand today? I can only imagine.

00:51:22 – All the women have the same bathrobe, it seems. And despite smoking pot and stripping over board games, Brenda sleeps in the most conservative nightgown this side of the Amish.

00:52:09 – “Help Me!” Shit, did we cross over into ‘The Fly?’ Fuck. Better lay off the drink, SJ. Movie’s starting to get into your head.

00:53:30 – Brenda, you’re a strange girl. You smoke weed, play sexy variants of Monopoly but yet go out into the rain in your Nancy Regean nightgown at the cries of ‘Help Me’ of a child in danger. And yet, we know you’re going to die. I think yours is the death I kind of feel sad about, Brenda. You got me, Movie. You got me to feel about one of these characters.

00:54:20FIRE LIGHT EM UP. And she’s dead.

00:55:00 – Oblivious, Alice strums away.

00:56:02 – “Bill? Can I come?” You’d never have to ask me, baby.

00:56:43 – Someone tucked the axe in for a nap. How cute.

00:57:07 – This is all vengeance for killing the snake, I tell you.

00:57:40 – “I really think we should call someone.” I wonder if they played up some ‘oh, no cell service’ in the remake? Despite the two major cellular services claiming they cover the entire country? Talk about a dead zone.

00:58:15 – Really good shot here, panning over to watch them find out that the phone is dead as the camera wanders over to find that the phone line is severed. I dig the filmography of this flick.

00:58:45 – The truck is dead. These occurances are explained in that ‘Behind the Mask’ movie that tried to start up a new monster. Unfortunately, the monster’s name was Leslie – and it was a dude. Jason, Michael, Freddy. Leslie? Nope.

00:59:31 – The titular line “It’s not bad enough to be Friday the 13th, we’ve got to have a full moon, too.” If it weren’t for that, Jason Voorhees would be the star of a bunch of ‘Camp Blood’ movies. Considering ‘Camp Blood’ is said more than Friday the 13th in this movie, that’s not far a leap.

01:01:20 – Steve, not realizing that his raincoat is a shirt that goes OVER HIS SHIRT, comes to see his double weakness too late. After fucking off for most of the movie, he shows up to bite it. I’m sure you’re shirtless in heaven, Steve. Chop those logs, son.

01:01:40 – DANGER DANGER – HIGH VOLTAGE.

01:02:05 – Fade to black. Movie over (just kidding.) The killer killed the generator. NO ONE IS SAFE.

01:03:38 – Alice sleeps while Bill decides to fix the generator.

01:04:30 – A very thrilling ‘dipstick’ scene (both Bill and the tool he uses to check the gas level.)

01:06:05 – Alice gets some instant coffee because even she is falling asleep during this movie. Must be my television-rattled, artificial-flavor polluted mind that I keep losing focus. Granted, this was thirty years ago. Different attitudes of film making. Fuck, this came out before MTV.

01:08:05 – Nice. Two minutes of yawning gets shocked the hell away by Bill’s terrible Steve Martin ‘arrow through the head’ impression. Try again, Bill.

01:08:13 – AND THEN THERE WAS ONE.

01:08:20 – Feesibly, a horror themed reality television show, crossing Survivor with this movie, could work. Each week, one cast member gets ‘killed off’ instead of eliminated. It wouldn’t have the politics of Survivor but would be just as gruesome.

01:08:50 – At first, I think Alice is going to hang herself. Instead, she’s doing it to lock the door, tying the rope to the ceiling to the door’s handle.

01:10:07 – My patience is fine but this scene is going on TOO LONG.

01:11:08 – Alice hears something. It’s a Loon. THE LOONS!

01:11:10 – This movie is making me hungry for Doritos. That’s not a snarky comment. I’m just hungry for some Doritos.

01:11:16 – Brenda (dead) crashes the party. She’s a corpse to breathe. I think that’s called ‘corpsing’ and usually gets “Macho Man” Randy Savage to slap you.

01:12:11 – A JEEP. A LIGHT. A HOPE! Violins are going fucking CRAZY.

01:12:29 – Mrs. Voorhees. That name sounds familiar.

01:12:30 – Oh, that sweater, Mama Voorhees. How many sheep died for its sins?

01:13:42 – This is Betsy Palmer’s BIG MOMENT. She’s ACTING! I know she does the Horror Convention circuit. I wonder how many fans can recite this scene by heart?

01:14:02 – “They were making love when that young boy drowned.” Well, when you put it that way, it’s doesn’t sound so bad.

01:14:45 – FLASHBACK. Of course. We’ve had white outs, fade to black and now a flashback.

01:15:00 – Oh, snap. June 13th is Jason Voorhees’s birthday? Shit. Why isn’t that a national holiday?

01:15:45 – And it’s the ultimate showdown, Alice v. Mama V. Alice gets the upper hand first but with the fight used up, her flee instincts kick in.

01:16:00 – Hey Annie. Looking good. I had forgotten about you, as if your part was completely insignificant.

01:16:10 – Steve’s hanging around. Though I don’t get it why she’d throw him up there. Was she planning on eating him later? Mama V said she was a cook.

01:16:40 – Okay, Movie. That was creepy. I give you that.

01:18:19 – In a scene calling back to the beginning, a trapped female fights back in a pathetic way. Only to end up getting – slapped? Where’s the knife, Mrs. V?

01:19:00 – Mama V is definitely the ambush predator. A direct confrontation doesn’t work for her.

01:19:30 – Some really good shots in this film. Did I say that before?

01:20:00 – Brenda still breathes and moves, despite being dead. She’s a trooper, that one.

01:21:00 – The Shining came out two weeks after Friday the 13th in 1980. Both movies have scenes with people hacking through doors. This has been your trivia of the day.

01:22:00 – Cast Iron Pan to the face. And Mama V goes down…

01:23:40 – …but she’s not out. And what follows is a unsexy catfight on the beach.

01:24:00 – Mama V gets a choke hold on and I feel like I’m watching a bad UFC clone. And she bites Alice’s wrist? Damn, Mama V. Fighting dirty. Not UFC but Bodogg, I guess.

01:24:30 – You know when shit’s getting real when it starts in on the slow-mo.

01:24:35 – She swings and it’s a line drive – it’s going, going and GONE! SHE-HAS-BEEN-DE-CAP-I-TAY-TED!

01:25:15 – The ‘Bruce Banner’ sad piano music kicks in and a shocked Alice returns to the safety of her canoe. Why? One doesn’t ask when you’ve witnessed a girl pull a Highlander to a demented Summer Camp Cook turned Psychotic Agent of Vengeance.

01:25:42 – A nice shot of Alice out on a calm lake. If you didn’t just spend eight-five minutes watching her friends die, one by one, you’d think this to be a serene moment of joy.

01:26:00 – I feel like we’re forgetting someone.

01:26:30 – Cops finally show up.

01:26:57 – And THERE IT IS. That fucking scene. I knew it was coming, I knew it and it freaked me the fuck out anyway.

01:27:17 – Awwww, cop out! IT WAS ALL A DREAM. Shoot some valium in her ass and let’s wrap it up.

01:28:45 – “Then he’s still there.” Sad piano music. And let’s cue the credits.

1:29:27 – BETSY PALMER as Mrs. Voorhees. Adrienne King as Alice (just don’t go ask her) Jeannine Taylor as Hot Ass Marcie. Robbi Morgan as “Should have gone into teaching” Annie and Kevin “How Many Degrees?” Bacon as Jack.

Wrap Up: Full Disclosure – I had seen this movie before. This isn’t my first time feeling guilty for not catching it about a year ago. So I had some ideas of what to expect but it was still full of surprises and details I had forgotten about (Ralph, Kevin Bacon.) Overall, good movie. Yeah, slow, dated and there wasn’t that much personality to anyone here. A bunch of goofball, horny kids get slaughtered out of revenge. Pretty much premise beach here. The effects were superb, the shots were great. It was a good looking movie. The acting was eh, B+ and the pacing was fine. It’s a good movie. It’s the first Ramones album horror and that’s the respect I give it.(ed. a bit of hyperbole. It’s a good movie, but nothing is as good as the first Ramones album.)